#14 – Broken Toe regrets…

Dear AG,
Thank you for your submission to the 2011-2012 Broken Toe You Were Never Gonna Get It Commission. Our selection committee has been diligently drinking and completed the review process, and unfortunately, though unsurprisingly as per our cute subject title, your submission was not picked this year.

This was certainly not an easy decision, except for the fact it was. We received over 200 MILLION submissions this time around which really shouldn’t be a surprise since we are famous and people have had our deadline marked on their calendar for a full year.

Our process made the selection completely blind especially because we read all the submissions in dark cellars by candlelight OH WAIT, that’s not what we mean, we mean that no member of the selection committee could see any identifying information which must really make you feel better

You see AG, it’s not about who you know, it’s about throwing darts at the submissions and picking randomly from there.

It was not really a joy for us to receive submissions of such minor quality and promise, and we politely, albeit insincerely, thank you for your work.

Sincerely,

Broken Toe
That’s right, the entire company, no one person made this easy decision!

3 Days Later….

In my E-mail box…..

 

Broken Toe Congratulates!

(AG’s thoughts: WHAT OMG THEY MUST HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BY SENDING ME THAT REGECTION E-MAIL OMG I AM SO HONORED

hahaha)

Congratulations!

Broken Toe received over 200 bajillion applications from all over the freakin’ universe for our 4th Semi-Bi-Triannual You Were Never Gonna Get It Commission Commission. This year’s award will be shared by two writers:

Fan C. Name for her project This Title is in Spanish and Joe Square for his project This Title is Also in Spanish.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think you were gonna get it? Gotcha! Oh we like a good joke. No, no, this is just an e-mail RIDDLED with information you don’t want to know about!

Well, here goes!

This Title is in Spanish is the story of an old lady who runs away from a nursing home, meets a young’n and has adventures.  And also it takes place in Spain during a revolution in the future with aliens.
In This Title is Also in Spanish, something vaguely similar happens, but this time it’s about life and what it means to live. And also War. And also political mumbojumbo.  And also LOOK A BIRD.
This year’s finalists included: Not You, Him, Her, Her Again, Not You, I Think I Went to School With Him, annnnd Yup, Definitely Not You.
Catch ya later, gator!
Broken Toe: We Like to Bend Theatre Until it Snaps in Half!

Regecting Social Media….

…because I was on a deadline.

Correction.  Because I was on multiple deadlines.

Addition.  Because I was on multiple deadlines and had rehearsals until 11PM.

Now before we all get excited and you assume I’m not still a Regected Riter, all of these writing deadlines are for unpaid things, self produced projects that I’m initiating throughout the City.

That’s write right.  Takeover. Small Fish in a Big Pond.

I’ll tell more about that later.

But in the meantime, I discovered that there was no longer enough time in the day and I could feel every moment passing by.  So I did the only thing I could do.

I put my gameface on

Social Media Lockdown.

I can’t say it was easy.  I could hear twitter calling to me.

It would say.

It would say, over and over again.

How would whether or not that hilarious random thought I had WAS hilarious?  I DID want to say hello to my friends.  My gameface began to falter like jello left out on a hot sidewalk in July.

Maybe I could go on for just five minutes….fives minutes wouldn’t hurt…

“That’s right,” Twitter said,

Just as my resolve was about to shatter, I suddenly remembered something. Something important.

ALL  MY FRIENDS ARE WRITERS! I shouted at my computer THEY’LL UNDERSTAND!

And I looked like this:

And twitter was all,

“First of all, you’re talking to a computer, crazy. Secondly,

And that is exactly what came to pass.

The moral of this story?  Well it’s quite simple, really.

If you have a deadline, stay off twitter. Twitter is evil ad wants your soul for its own.

Happy Writing, all!

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Happy Halloween, all!

I’m a Guest Blogger over at the HILARIOUS Paige Kellerman’s blog, There’s More Where That Came From.  You can hop on over there to see my advice on surviving scary movies!  Click HERE!

 

So. Today’s the big day.  The day that we’ve all been waiting with bated breath for.  The trick-or-treaters are ringing the doorbell and the dog is going nuts.  What did you all decide I would be for Halloween?! A terrifying Alien?  A gross Mummy?!

No.

Yes, I am a pumpkin.

Thanks all.

If you want me to draw a stick figure picture of YOU in a Halloween costume, leave a comment below with your costume choice.  There will be a costume parade on my blog sometime this week!

Well, it’s been fun, guys.  If you missed any blog posts or are drunk and have nothing better to do for Halloween, you can catch up on them below.

As, always,

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!  Don’t eat too much candy!

Monday – Regected Candy

Tuesday – Interview with a Dead Playwright: William Shakespeare

Wednesday – Why Movies Have Made Me Terrified of Lakes

Thursday – How to Survive a Scary Movie

Friday – Guest Blog: April Denton’s Poem, Ultimate Regection

Saturday – Since When Did Monsters Get So Pretty?

Since When Did Monsters Get So Pretty?

What won’t I be for Halloween, you ask?

The things I do for a laugh you guys.

Yes, that is a swiffer in my hands. I think the 21st century witch would upgrade their broomstick.

Speaking of upgrades,

Is it just me or are Vampires getting prettier and prettier?

How did we go from this:

To this:

I mean, I’m all for upgrading the idea of monsters, but where will it end?  Next thing you know, we’ll be making vampires sparkle!

or aliens adorable

or werewolves hunky

 

pretty pirates

charismatic skeletons

funny Frankenstein Monsters

friendly freakin’ ghosts

I mean, could you imagine?

Guest Blog: Ultimate Regection by April Denton

Hey all!

Toady I’m a Zombie in honor of one of my favorite writers, Miss April Denton!  You can check out her blog HERE

April is one of my favorite writers; she’s writes everything from poems to zombierotica to fiction and she’s the leader of the Zweeps Army.

So, without further ado, I give you her wonderful eerie poem,

Ultimate Rejection

“Prepare for the end” they said,

for we must survive among the dead.

The zombies came from to and fro,

they came crashing through my window.

My shot rang out loud and clear,

then I realized my worst fear.

For the shot was like a call,

“come horde, it’s a feast for all.”

Retreat now don’t haste,

these decaying monsters won’t be outfaced.

Avoid their bite that is how it’s spread,

first the fever and then you’re dead.

One sunk their teeth into my wrist,

blew the head off that ugly witch.

Praying for useless hope,

maybe with this I can cope.

Immortal and hungry,

decaying and angry.

Death I reject you,

my hunger I will pursue.

A zombie I will become,

feasting forever in bedlam.

Hunting and stalking my next fare,

my lungs will need no air.

My body will never tire,

sleep I don’t require.

Death a rejection,

my gift the infection.

———-
April Denton is a zombie poetess that enjoys the darker side of the undead. When she is not writing, which is very rare, she is drawing or singing. She resides in Indiana with her husband and young son. Read April’s work at
poetry & zombies and follow her on Twitter

 

How To Survive a Scary Movie

Day 4! Are you afraid of the Dark yet?

Have you voted for your favorite Halloween Creature yet? NO?! WHAT! Well, you can vote HERE to help me decide what to be for Halloween.  Already voted? You can vote AGAIN. Technology, all!

You know what didn’t win?

I ain’t no vampire.

You know where vampires live? HBO Scary Movies.

Scary movies have definitely scared the crap out of me taught me a lot over the years.  The following are some handy tips on

How to Survive a Scary Movie

Step 1 – Always Be Prepared

Listen.  There’s no excuse to not know your common run of the mill monsters and how to combat them.  Not only are there GAZILLIONS of movies, but there’s Google Books.  Don’t know how to read? That’s all right, below are my very own cliffnotes.

You got:

Vampires? Stakes.  Garlic apparently doesn’t work for the pretty vampires anymore.

Werewolves? Silver Bullets.  You can buy some at your local PathMark.

Ghosts? Enlist the help of Haley Joel Osment from 1999

Zombies? Good luck.

Aliens? You’re screwed.

Mark Whalberg? RUN!!!!!!

Do your research. PLEASE

Step 2 – Stay Out of Trouble

Don’t go pissing any otherworldly creatures off.

This includes little old men and women who give you a stink eye at the grocery store when you reach over their head and take the last jar of pickles.

Just…just say you’re sorry. And then call an exorcist.

Step 3 – Don’t Be Stupid

If your TV is not broadcasting your regularly schedule programming, THROW IT OUT.

Giant shark in the ocean? SWIM IN THE POOL.

Drifter in the middle of the road? LEAVE HIM THERE! THAT CREEPY DRIFTER WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE.

Odd sounds coming from your basement? DON’T GO IN THE BASEMENT!

And, for the love of zombies,

People flying around the house and acting weird? GET. OUT OF. THE HOUSE!!!!!!

 

Well, there you have it.  Your guide to surviving a scary movie; the cliffnotes. Stay tuned for the longer version.

HAPPY HALLO-ALMOST-WEEN!

 

Why Movies Have Made Me Terrified of Lakes

Day 3 of Halloween Week!

Are your teeth sore yet?

Vote for your favorite Halloween Creature HERE to help me decide what to be for Halloween.  As you can see, today I am one of the scariest of all the Halloween creatures…

WEREWOLF!

You can tell I’m a werewolf by my curved fingernails, fused together eyebrows and crazy eyes!  And the fact that I’m utterly terrifying.

You know what werewolves remind me of? Lakes.

Which is a not at all awkward and horribly placed segway into:

Why Movies Have Made Me Terrified of Lakes:

A Tale Told in Pictures

I have never been one for the outdoors.  I would blame growing up in Brooklyn, but I’m not juvenile.  I know that there’s something more to blame. I’m looking at you, MOVIES. They make me question why anybody would go to a lake for relaxation when you’re clearly going to be eaten alive.

Actually, why anybody would go to any type of body of water at all-

oceans,

swimming pools,

and, of course, showers

Oh, baths, too

But absolutely nothing good ever happens at a lake.

They’re apparently a hotbed of paranormal activity,

mutant lake creatures

and flesh eating viruses

Axed murderers looove to hang out around lake houses

Even Sandra Freakin Bullock had a time traveling mailbox which, while not utterly terrifying, is really weird.

Why anybody would go to a lake is beyond me. Any place where your face can get chewed off by microscopic bacteria, encounter a mutant repltilian creature or an axweilding maniac with mommy issues  and you run the risk of ending up in a relationship with Keanu Reeves OR Sandra Bullock just doesn’t seem worth it.

Am I wrong?