How To Survive a Scary Movie

Day 4! Are you afraid of the Dark yet?

Have you voted for your favorite Halloween Creature yet? NO?! WHAT! Well, you can vote HERE to help me decide what to be for Halloween.  Already voted? You can vote AGAIN. Technology, all!

You know what didn’t win?

I ain’t no vampire.

You know where vampires live? HBO Scary Movies.

Scary movies have definitely scared the crap out of me taught me a lot over the years.  The following are some handy tips on

How to Survive a Scary Movie

Step 1 – Always Be Prepared

Listen.  There’s no excuse to not know your common run of the mill monsters and how to combat them.  Not only are there GAZILLIONS of movies, but there’s Google Books.  Don’t know how to read? That’s all right, below are my very own cliffnotes.

You got:

Vampires? Stakes.  Garlic apparently doesn’t work for the pretty vampires anymore.

Werewolves? Silver Bullets.  You can buy some at your local PathMark.

Ghosts? Enlist the help of Haley Joel Osment from 1999

Zombies? Good luck.

Aliens? You’re screwed.

Mark Whalberg? RUN!!!!!!

Do your research. PLEASE

Step 2 – Stay Out of Trouble

Don’t go pissing any otherworldly creatures off.

This includes little old men and women who give you a stink eye at the grocery store when you reach over their head and take the last jar of pickles.

Just…just say you’re sorry. And then call an exorcist.

Step 3 – Don’t Be Stupid

If your TV is not broadcasting your regularly schedule programming, THROW IT OUT.

Giant shark in the ocean? SWIM IN THE POOL.


Odd sounds coming from your basement? DON’T GO IN THE BASEMENT!

And, for the love of zombies,

People flying around the house and acting weird? GET. OUT OF. THE HOUSE!!!!!!


Well, there you have it.  Your guide to surviving a scary movie; the cliffnotes. Stay tuned for the longer version.




9 comments on “How To Survive a Scary Movie

  1. emmiemears says:

    Step 3 could be reiterated a few thousand times. 🙂

    Something’s chasing you through the house? DO NOT RUN UPSTAIRS UNLESS YOU CAN FLY OUT A WINDOW.

    Closets make horrible hiding spots if something is chasing you.

    Ah, scary movies. Redefining the stupidity of human actions every year. 🙂

  2. Kelly Gamble says:

    You do know that when I am in a bad mood, I come to your blog so I can laugh. Thanks for that.

  3. fishducky says:

    Whatever. (I’m 77 years old & I’m now in my 2nd–or 3rd childhood.)

  4. Brinda says:

    You make me laugh every time I visit. I am only sad due to lack of Markie love. Of well..I think I’ll go hunt for something on YouTube where he raps. Is it really that bad? Lol

  5. Thanks to you, I am now armed and ready. Watch out all you Scary Weirdos!

  6. Jessie says:

    Hilarious/great tips! My favorite is to make sure the bad guy is really dead. How many times in movies does it go like this:

    Victim gets very worthy weapon (like a gun or a shovel), shoots/hits the bad guy one time, bad guy goes down for the count, victim runs. 5 minutes later, bad guy kills you.

    Is this a normal human reaction to panic/fear? I’d like to think that if the bad guy went down, I’d keep shooting him or beating the crap out of him until I KNEW he was dead, and then I’d kill him some more..

  7. I’d say this is a pretty sound guide to staying alive. Let it be noted in the footnotes:

    Don’t split up…ever. Even if you think you’re good looking enough to make it to the end of the movie, you’re not. Put into practice what you learned in kindergarten and stick to the buddy system.

    Also, try dialing 911 occasionally. No one ever does that.

    Oh yeah, and if you see something weird, TELL EVERYONE. Don’t keep it to yourself, until everyone’s been slaughtered in a visually traumatizing bloodbath.

    That is all.

  8. Don’t sleep with the virgin or say “I’ll be right back.”

    I agree with get out of the house. What’s with these silly girls that always run up the stairs when they should be running out the door?

  9. […] Thursday – How to Survive a Scary Movie […]

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