This was certainly not an easy decision, except for the fact it was. We received over 200 MILLION submissions this time around which really shouldn’t be a surprise since we are famous and people have had our deadline marked on their calendar for a full year.
Our process made the selection completely blind especially because we read all the submissions in dark cellars by candlelight OH WAIT, that’s not what we mean, we mean that no member of the selection committee could see any identifying information which must really make you feel better.
You see AG, it’s not about who you know, it’s about throwing darts at the submissions and picking randomly from there.
It was not really a joy for us to receive submissions of such minor quality and promise, and we politely, albeit insincerely, thank you for your work.
Sincerely,
3 Days Later….
In my E-mail box…..
Broken Toe Congratulates!
(AG’s thoughts: WHAT OMG THEY MUST HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BY SENDING ME THAT REGECTION E-MAIL OMG I AM SO HONORED
hahaha)
Congratulations!
Broken Toe received over 200 bajillion applications from all over the freakin’ universe for our 4th Semi-Bi-Triannual You Were Never Gonna Get It Commission Commission. This year’s award will be shared by two writers:
Fan C. Name for her project This Title is in Spanish and Joe Square for his project This Title is Also in Spanish.
Oh, I’m sorry, did you think you were gonna get it? Gotcha! Oh we like a good joke. No, no, this is just an e-mail RIDDLED with information you don’t want to know about!
Well, here goes!
Regected Riter 
You know what, your posts are best with a bitter twist. And I’m not being sarcastic. I completely think you’re at your most expressive and funniest when you go off on one. Love it.
Oh god. I think I would have donkey punched them for that fake congratulations email.
(Spits milk out nose) Bwhahahaa! Donkey punch. That was awesome.
Well that is just RUDE!
So this is the real world… SIGH!!!!!
Da B&STARDS! Sooo they didn’t want to make a bajillion dollars from your genius? Buck ’em I say. Buck ’em hard. You’re gonna be a kazillionaire from your comedy some day. Hide and watch.
I totally think you hacked into my email and used this for your post. You did a good job of subsitituting your name, but I still recognize it.
My favorite rejection started off “Dear so and so” and was followed up by an apology for the “most unfortunate clerical error.”
I love this, especially the Look A Bird!
I love this. I do the same thing when I get any kind of “we’re sorry, but” letter/email. It’s fun to read between the lines and add a dose of snark. Takes the sting out of it somehow. You’re basically saying “kiss my a$$” with style.
I think amassing rejections is its own award. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
One of your best! No worries. Pretty soon you can write a book about regection! Then you’ll be a famous author and they can suck your broken toe.
I Also Have a Broken Toe. True. Would you please email me the company’s address so I can submit this manuscript for next year? Do you think it would help if I submitted it in Spanish?
minlit – I want this comment on a t-shirt. Like I needed an excuse to be bitter! YES! Hahah sincerely, thank you, that made me laugh like forget it.
wolfshowl – YES! I’m glad you feel my pain, brother!
Liz – You’re telling me!
Adeel – I know! Oh well
zencherry – HAHAH Thank you so much! I will include that sentence in my next cover letter
Brinda – if I could hack into e-mail, I would deff hack into every place ever and send myself acceptance letters.
Amanda – Did you write them back saying SUCK IT ?
bridget – I love your comment, especially the whole thing =D
Daniel – YES EXACTLY! Love it, sir!
Russ – That’s the truth! Keep on writing, keep on getting those rejections!
Melynda – Thanks so much! Your comment made me laugh loudly and longly
fishducky – HAHAHAHAH ::high five:: that comment was classic! Loved it
I’m so glad I stopped by! You made me laugh, thank you 🙂
At least the congratulations email didn’t come first…can you imagine?
OOOH!!!!! NOT A REGECTION!!!!!
…..just kidding.
*Broken Toe does a Nelson laugh*
OMG! You are so freakin hysterical! 🙂
Oh my you are EPIC!!!!!
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you think you were gonna get it? Gotcha! Oh we like a good joke. No, no, this is just an e-mail RIDDLED with information you don’t want to know about!” Hahahahahaha.
Isn’t that always the truth? I hate the follow-up emails, newsletters, etc, that announce, “Hey, here are the people that were better than you, but you won’t think so because you know you’re work was actually better. It’s just that it was subjected to people who were looking for something specific that wasn’t outlined in the guidelines of the contest.” Eh em…
…and now the company will continue to send you spam e-mails until the end of time. Art competitions are even worse.
This made me smile.
Ugh, that’s kinda tacky and inconsiderate of them. Funny stuff as usual, but I find myself irritated on your behalf at the 2nd email. If they wanted to share announcements of winners with all participants, they could have found an intro that’s less omg grats (you won)! Psych! *snatch back*
Your creativity is amazing and you always make my day!