#14 – Broken Toe regrets…

Dear AG,

Thank you for your submission to the 2011-2012 Broken Toe You Were Never Gonna Get It Commission. Our selection committee has been diligently drinking and completed the review process, and unfortunately, though unsurprisingly as per our cute subject title, your submission was not picked this year.

This was certainly not an easy decision, except for the fact it was. We received over 200 MILLION submissions this time around which really shouldn’t be a surprise since we are famous and people have had our deadline marked on their calendar for a full year.

Our process made the selection completely blind especially because we read all the submissions in dark cellars by candlelight OH WAIT, that’s not what we mean, we mean that no member of the selection committee could see any identifying information which must really make you feel better. 

You see AG, it’s not about who you know, it’s about throwing darts at the submissions and picking randomly from there.

It was not really a joy for us to receive submissions of such minor quality and promise, and we politely, albeit insincerely, thank you for your work.

Sincerely,

Broken Toe

That’s right, the entire company, no one person made this easy decision!

3 Days Later….

In my E-mail box…..

 

Broken Toe Congratulates!

(AG’s thoughts: WHAT OMG THEY MUST HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BY SENDING ME THAT REGECTION E-MAIL OMG I AM SO HONORED

hahaha)

Congratulations!

Broken Toe received over 200 bajillion applications from all over the freakin’ universe for our 4th Semi-Bi-Triannual You Were Never Gonna Get It Commission Commission. This year’s award will be shared by two writers:

Fan C. Name for her project This Title is in Spanish and Joe Square for his project This Title is Also in Spanish.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think you were gonna get it? Gotcha! Oh we like a good joke. No, no, this is just an e-mail RIDDLED with information you don’t want to know about!

Well, here goes!

This Title is in Spanish is the story of an old lady who runs away from a nursing home, meets a young’n and has adventures.  And also it takes place in Spain during a revolution in the future with aliens.

In This Title is Also in Spanish, something vaguely similar happens, but this time it’s about life and what it means to live. And also War. And also political mumbojumbo.  And also LOOK A BIRD.

This year’s finalists included: Not You, Him, Her, Her Again, Not You, I Think I Went to School With Him, annnnd Yup, Definitely Not You.

Catch ya later, gator!

Broken Toe: We Like to Bend Theatre Until it Snaps in Half!

#13

Dear AG,

Thank you for applying to the We Are Edgy Because We Wear Our Sunglasses Indoors and In the Dark Lab this year. We enjoyed skimming through your work while hung over and on the toilet and getting to know your voice by pretending to read Not As Edgy As We Are.

We received more applications than there are zits on a school boy’s bottom this year and honestly don’t really care or regret to say that we’re unable to offer you a spot in blah blah blah blah and blah.

‘Cause we’re edgy.  Too edgy to care.

Thank you for your interest in We Don’t Just Bend the Rules, We Shatter ’em and then take those piece and Make A Really Intense Mosaic out of Them Rep and the WAEBWWOSIAITD Lab.

Best wishes.

Sincerely,

Joe Kuul and The Fonz

#12

Hi AG,

Thank you for submitting your play, It’s Nice That You Try, to the We Eat Dreams for Breakfast festival this year. We received SO many submissions, we had to barricade ourselves in the office for 36 months to sort through some really fantastic entries.

It was just a mountain of pages and words.
A mountain.

Selecting the final 6 scripts for production was madd difficult, but after many sleepless nights, a couple hundred break downs and some involuntary reenactments of Lord of the Flies, we have whittled that massive pile down by arbitrarily grabbing 6 and arrived at our final program.

The final plays are:

A Teardrop At the Edge of Two Days From Now by Mel-Anne Koli
When a man loses his umbrella on a subway, it’s really a metaphor for losing his soul to a giant cooperation, and also death.  Sadness abounds in this play.  Bring a tissue.  You’ll only need one, it’s not that sad.

Actors are Different from Normal Folk by Irmma Actoorre
A former famous actor has a present not as famous actor son and he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t act to get money and ruins his love and DAD LOVE ME DAD PLEASE LOVE ME!

Play with the Panda by Izzaz Badazit Zoundz
Street thugs snatch a cello as a an Upper West Side couple contemplates the future.

Word by Al Readie-Famous
This guy is famous so we’re just happy he sent in a play.  No really, it can be ten minutes of a man banging on an out of tune tambourine, reciting a list of salted meats alphabetically and backwards while flowers and butterscotch candies fall from the sky, we’re doing this play.
WERE DOING THIS PLAY.

An Emotion by Yuleneva B. Hapi
Life sux so I wrote a play about.

A Monologue of Epic Proportions by BA-BA-BA-BAM!
This is the tightest monologue ever written, all!  You are gonna be blown away by the one person talking for like TEN FULL MINUTES all about things!  And not only things, but different things! And a lot of them! There will be POLITICAL JOKES and SEXIST HUMOR and RACIST COMMENTS and then FIREWORKS!
THIS IS WHAT THEATRE IS!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

$7 suggested donation at the door. 

Job Interview #3

The Interview:

The Interviewer:  Hello, I’m so sorry I’m late WHOA you’ve been waiting here for 2 hours?  My bad, lunch and all.

AG: That’s. Fiii iii iii ne, my time is not important at all.

The Interviewer: Does it hurt to talk through clenched teeth like that?

AG: No.

The Interviewer: GREAT so, shall we get started?

AG: Is that a real question?

The Interviewer: So let’s see, your name is AG…can I call you A, buddy?

AG: Can I call you T.I.?

The Interviewer: A! You’re funny! GREAT! So am I, so am I, listen to this one- knock knock.

AG: This is totally…this is totally not a waste of my time.

The Interview: MOO

AG: Moo…moo who

The Interviewer: THE ECONOMY!

AG: ….

The Interviewer: Oh mah bad, I totally messed up those punchlines

AG:  You are…so funny……………………..

The Interviewer: So let’s see…you are completely and utterly qualified for this job!

AG: I know.

The Interviewer: You are actually the MOST qualified person I have met to date and am telling you this right to your face!

AG: Is that appropriate?

The Interviewer: I think I have lunch in my teeth.

AG: Wow.

The Interviewer: ANYWAY, yeah, this looks great, and I will be in touch!

5 Months Later….

AG,

Hey there buddy.  I wanted to drop a note and thank you for applying to proof and edit my blog.

I did just hire someone for the position, five months after the fact. But why are you surprised, I was totally late to the interview!

My life is very important.

Thanks again, I remember what it was like reading those Playbill ads myself, back in the day when I was just a young theatrical whippersnapper like yourself.    Ah, those were the days, my friend. I thought they’d never end.

But they did and now I’m too important to even be on time for an interview. 

Good luck. You’ll need it.

Wait, who are you?

I am completely unprofessional!

Love always,

Snookums

Oh how EMBARRASSING I meant that for my lover!  Ah, isn’t life funny? 

Well, I hope you can forgive me and not try to seek revenge by completely re-writing this experience and posting it on a BLOG or something hahahaha.

That would be…that would be totally ironic.

 

 

I didn’t touch the first sentence of that rejection letter. Just wanted to let you all know!

AG

 

 

 

#11

June 29, 2011

Dear AG,

Thank you for your application to the Obnoxiously Long Title of this Really Awesome Project Program  for 2011-2012. The selection process, like the lines by the free sample stations at Costco during lunch, was very competitive this year. We received over one application from writers, a record response to the open call given we advertised it everywhere you googled and our selection panel of drunks and convicts was not very impressed by the quality of the work under consideration.

We regret to inform you in this singular, lonely, singular sentence that your crappy application has not been selected for participation in the OLTRAPP.

We encourage everyone to consider reapplying because we get off on telling you no multiple times, but also the selection panel changes each session, so any future application you submit will have the chance to be considered a nuisance and poorly put together by a new group of bitter strangers.  Historically, in 1492 Columbus not only sailed the ocean blue, but many writers are selected after applying several times.  Several times and then fame happened.

Please note that even though you won’t care AT ALL, selected 2011-2012 participants will be announced on our website http://www.youfail.com in October 2011.

Please note that even though you’re feeling pretty crummy about yourself right now and are probably under the covers with your can of cheese whiz, you may be able to take advantage of the programs offered by our other exciting programs that don’t suit your overall needs and that you are not at all qualified for.

Finally, there are many organizations in New York City and beyond that support artists in various ways, all of which you have applied to and been rejected from. We in the business call that Making the Rounds.

We wish you the best of luck!

The Leader of OLTRAPP Who Apparently Has No Name, Like Oz; not as omniscient but just as douchey.