Why I Regected My Job: The Final Installment

And unlike Rocky, Indiana Jones and Sister Act, this shall, indeed, be the final installment in the trilogy that is Why I Left My Job in this Bitter Economy.

When we last left off, AG was to be locked in a room for two weeks, doing a job I didn’t quite understand with a woman who was offended by good hygiene and believed that life was too short to not change her mind every five minutes.

Now guys.  I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m generally like this:

My boss was more like this:

Only older.

(Don’t worry, all, I doctored that.  Even Cruella Deville isn’t as nasty as my boss was and she wanted to make a coat out of puppies.  Let that sink  in for a minute.)

So my boss and I got through some stuff together.  Namely the East Coast Earthquake of 2011:

And Hurricane Irene:

(WARNING: Flash of Genitalia will happen).

And things were OVERWHELMINGLY busy but I was keeping up with things, doing my job and the other guy’s job AND juggling my boss’ mind changing/odd sense of prioritizing and I felt like A BOSS.  Not like my boss but A Boss.  You know?

I think you do.

But I was doing it, all.  The one thing that my boss never wanted me to do. I was MAKING MISTAKES.

Again, these were not earth shattering mistakes (honestly, the east coast earthquake was bigger than the mistakes I made), but I was clearly offending my boss.  But I kept trying.

So during that time, I heard from my boss that it was going to be my boss’ 85th birthday.  I heard this because we were in a tiny room and my boss was making birthday plans NONSTOP and then had to rearrange all of them for Hurricane Irene.  So I thought Hey. You know, turning 85 is a good thing and I’m one to do something for a person’s birthday if I know about it, so I got her a small plant the day of her birthday. And she was actually very happy with it and touched and she smiled at me and her face cracked in half I thought wow, we made it through the metaphorical AND physical storm.  Maybe we’ll be okay.

LIES.

Because about 2.5 minutes later, guess what happened.

Me: Where’s the white out?

Boss: Why do you need white out?

Me: I mislabeled something.

Boss: You did what?

Me: Do we not have white out?

Boss: WHY ARE YOU SO INCREDIABLY INCOMPETENT?!

Me: ….Excuse me?

Boss: You literally can’t do ANYTHING right-

I’m going to save you from the tirade. All you need to know is my face went from this:

to this

Nothing I do is right.

That went on for a half an hour.
Don’t worry, I would still answer the phones while she was yelling at me.

That wasn’t awkward. At all.

Don’t worry.  By the end of the day, she remembered to thank me for the plant.

That was the first of three half hour lectures I received.

So this is my advice to everyone:

If you know your worth, and you know that you’re worth more than what you’re doing and have bigger and better goals than being an old lady’s punching bag, leave.  Because even though it’s terrifying and you’ll second and third and a million times guess yourself, you know what you have to do. And everything else will fall into place.

As soon as I put in my two weeks notice, I got two interviews. And I made it to the second round of interviews for one – and got the other. So I guess my mistake making bootay will be somebody else’s problem awesomeness.

Know your worth. And go for it.

I know that was pretty heavy, so here’s a dramatic chipmunk remix.

Why I Regected My Job: Part II

…or as I like to call it:

Everybody Makes Mistakes, But You Better Not.

So it’s a fact of life.  We all do it, sometimes, probably multiple times a day.  They come in many shapes and sizes.  Some look like this:

Some look like this:

When I started my job, I really had no idea what I was doing.  It was in a field I had no experience in.  My interview went like this:

Boss: So do you know anything about this field whatsoever?

Me: No

BAM.  I don’t lie when it comes to job skills to avoid this conversation:

Bad Scenario: You lied to me!

Me: I THOUGHT I’D KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE HEART ONCE IT WAS OUT!

So when I was told I got the job, I was a little surprised but pretty confident in my abilities to learn from asking questions and paying attention during training.

Except there was about five minutes of training before they started me off. It went like this:

Supervisor: Click here here here here input here there do the hokey pokey but don’t turn yourself around except in cases where you have to click here and there.
Got it?

Me: Not at all

Supervisor: If you have any questions, ask

Me: Can you explain it again?

Boss: Why doesn’t AG understand?

Supervisor: I don’t know, I just explained it

Boss: AG, were you not listening?

Me: I’m just a little confused

[phone rings]

Supervisor: Why aren’t you answering the phone?

Me: I’m sorry I didn’t know [answers phone]

Boss: Why didn’t AG know

Supervisor: I don’t know, I just explained it

Me: Hello, Worst Company in the World, how may I help you?

Boss: We don’t answer the phone like – Why did AG answer the phone like that?

Superviser: I dunno, I just explained it

Me: I’m sorry, there is chatter going on in the background, what was your name?

Boss: We don’t ask customers their – Why did AG ask the customer their name?

Supervisor: I just explained it

Boss: AG, we never ever ever say the company’s name. Ever.  And you don’t ask the customers why they’re calling- you just pass the call along to me. And we say Good Morning or Good Afternoon, we NEVER EVER EVER SAY HELLO

Supervisor: Just like I explained it

Me: ….so there’s a customer on the phone

Boss: Who is it and what do they want?

That was my five minutes of training.

And I made a LOT of mistakes my first two weeks. You know the type.  The I’m New at this Job and I Didn’t Realize I Was Doing it Wrong mistakes.
But the conversation would go like this:

Boss: You can’t do it like this, this destroys everything I have ever lived for!

Me: I’m sorry, I won’t make that mistake again.

Boss: THIS IS A HUGE DEAL

Me: I just fixed the mistake

Boss: I WILL HOLD THIS AGAINST YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR EMPLOYMENT!

By the end of the day, I’d feel like this:

I felt like my mistakes were destroying everybody’s lives, but in reality, they weren’t.  They were easily fixable and nobody was effected by them. And I wouldn’t re-make the mistakes.

But they kept on changing the rules.  I felt like I was playing special edition Monopoly- confusing and just as long with no chance of winning in sight.

AND THEN my Supervisor went on vacation.  And they had me take over his job for two weeks.

Sticking with the theme, he gave me two minutes of training.

Supervisor: So you feel confident?

Me: Nope. I’m going to do my best but I think there’ll be a lot of mistakes because I really have no idea what is going on.

Supervisor: Aight, See you in two weeks!

Insert the sound of a door closing and picture me alone with a woman who resents me.

(Oh that’s right, it was only me, my boss and my supervisor in the office).

What happened after that? Stay tuned for Part III in the trilogy of Why I Regected My Job….

 

 

Why I Regected My Job: Part I

As some of you may know, I quit my job.

I know, I know, economy and whatnot.  There were so many reasons to NOT quit, it was remarkable and I second guessed myself up to the bitter end.

Here’s what my Pros and Cons list looked like:

So why did I decide to leave?  How did I come to the conclusion?  I don’t know; I’m beginning to think I made the wrong decision.

I mean, it’s not like my boss was crazy. No, she was completely reasonable and logical at all times.  I mean, here’s what a conversation between us was like on any given hour of the day:

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: My job

Boss: I’m glad you’re doing your job, I just don’t understand why you’re doing it wrong.

Me: I’m doing it the way you told me

Boss: Well, I changed my mind and didn’t tell you.  I don’t think I even remember realizing that I changed my mind.  So do it this way now.

Me: All right, I will do it that way now.

THREE MINUTES LATER….

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: My job

Boss: But why are you doing it wrong AGAIN?

Me: I’m doing it exactly how you changed your mind to do it

Boss: Yes, but why penguins?

Me: What?

Boss: Penguins cannot fly and the ducks go away in winter, but where?

Me: …Do you mean to do it…this way?

Boss: BEEBOPSHALABADINGDONG! SHOOP SHOOP PING PANG!

Me: So…don’t answer the phones?

Boss: It’s in his kiss, that’s where it is!

Me: Please don’t recite song lyrics at me

Boss: Finish my thought for me- Airplanes in the night sky are like…..

Me: Shooting stars?

Boss: NO!  That’s inprobable

Me: But it’s a song.

Boss: No it’s not

Me: Here’s the youtube link

Boss: Youtube doesn’t exist.

Me: But it does

Boss: Implication that your intelligence is less than subpar.

Me: I will agree with you because all I want is to finish the work you have given me to do.

Boss: All I want to know is why you do everything wrong all the time

Me: I’m sorry, I’m really trying my hardest to do it right because I am a people pleaser and try to bring optomism into a pessimistic world

Boss: Well don’t do that, it hurts my eyes. Bring me a fresca

AG brings her a fresca

Boss: I WANTED APPLE JUICE

So I mean, it was clearly a healthy work environment.  And very clean.  Here are some of my favorite pictures of the work place:

Those aren’t moldy crumbs, that’s just magical work dust!

This is the phone I was on while I spoke to Dell for 6 hours, fixing my boss’ computer.  It didn’t smell like something had crawled inside the receiver and died in it, at all!
I’m sure it was SUPPOSED to smell that way, really.
Really.

And just in case you were wondering how in the heck the phone receiver could come to look like that:

I guess she thought that her receiver was some sort of trash can?  Or maybe she liked to mash her food with the phone.  Well, that’s GENIUS, using the phone for food preparation AND for talking. Wow.

I know you must be saying, AG, why the heck didn’t you clean that up?

Do you really think I didn’t try?

But I mean, all of that is negotiable…so why did I really quit?

Stay tuned for Part II….

Job Interview #3

The Interview:

The Interviewer:  Hello, I’m so sorry I’m late WHOA you’ve been waiting here for 2 hours?  My bad, lunch and all.

AG: That’s. Fiii iii iii ne, my time is not important at all.

The Interviewer: Does it hurt to talk through clenched teeth like that?

AG: No.

The Interviewer: GREAT so, shall we get started?

AG: Is that a real question?

The Interviewer: So let’s see, your name is AG…can I call you A, buddy?

AG: Can I call you T.I.?

The Interviewer: A! You’re funny! GREAT! So am I, so am I, listen to this one- knock knock.

AG: This is totally…this is totally not a waste of my time.

The Interview: MOO

AG: Moo…moo who

The Interviewer: THE ECONOMY!

AG: ….

The Interviewer: Oh mah bad, I totally messed up those punchlines

AG:  You are…so funny……………………..

The Interviewer: So let’s see…you are completely and utterly qualified for this job!

AG: I know.

The Interviewer: You are actually the MOST qualified person I have met to date and am telling you this right to your face!

AG: Is that appropriate?

The Interviewer: I think I have lunch in my teeth.

AG: Wow.

The Interviewer: ANYWAY, yeah, this looks great, and I will be in touch!

5 Months Later….

AG,

Hey there buddy.  I wanted to drop a note and thank you for applying to proof and edit my blog.

I did just hire someone for the position, five months after the fact. But why are you surprised, I was totally late to the interview!

My life is very important.

Thanks again, I remember what it was like reading those Playbill ads myself, back in the day when I was just a young theatrical whippersnapper like yourself.    Ah, those were the days, my friend. I thought they’d never end.

But they did and now I’m too important to even be on time for an interview. 

Good luck. You’ll need it.

Wait, who are you?

I am completely unprofessional!

Love always,

Snookums

Oh how EMBARRASSING I meant that for my lover!  Ah, isn’t life funny? 

Well, I hope you can forgive me and not try to seek revenge by completely re-writing this experience and posting it on a BLOG or something hahahaha.

That would be…that would be totally ironic.

 

 

I didn’t touch the first sentence of that rejection letter. Just wanted to let you all know!

AG

 

 

 

How to Write a Sweet Cover Letter

SO

you found an ad for an awesome new job!

That is convenient and great because you are

• hating on your current job
• an unemployed theatre artist
• wondering how much your liver will go for on the black market
• madd hungry

Whatever the reason, you decide to read on further:

• Will you look at that, there are qualifications that you almost-kinda meet! That’s great!
• It’s almost close to exactly what you went to school for!
• Benefits and salary and junk! YES!
• You can buy comics food with the moneys!

Sign me up!

But how?

You read on and see
Please send in your contact information, references, salary requirements, resume and
Oh.

Oh  garbage.

They require a cover letter.  That’s inconvenient annoying COMPLETELY understandable!  Packing your entire resume and personality into three paragraphs is something that will be incredibly helpful for this company to judge you off of to get to know you and your qualifications from!

Never written one? No Fret!  This handy guide will help you write a KILLER COVER LETTER!

What you’ll need:

Google
A thesaurus
Vodka or some other form of hard liquor

Step 1 – You gonna Google the crap outta that company

You’ve vaguely heard of the Blah Blah Company when you were playing a drinking game and watching NY1 at 3AM, but you’re not completely sure what they do.  Well, TGFG!

Mr. Google not only wants to help, it’s his JOB to do so!  So don’t feel like you’re being a nuisance or a problem or gonna get yelled at, just plug that sucker’s name into the search engine and you’re golden!

The magical Google machine will give you lots of information about the company, including their personal website where you can find out things like people’s names.  THEN you can take those people’s names and plug them into your FACEBOOK MACHINE and see if you have any mutual friends that owe you a favor and can put a good word in for you.  And if that doesn’t work you are way advanced at this, then you can even figure out how to find some inappropriate picture to blackmail them with.  Like this one:

That is not me.

Step 2 – LIE!

Now that you’ve gathered together all of that useless information, it’s time to cram it all into your awesome letter!  Of course you want to sell Blah Blahs, they are only the greatest thing ever and you will work your darndest to move the Blah Blah empire forward.

Here’s where the thesaurus comes in.

Your main goal in this whooooole game process is to let the company know that you think they are the greatest thing since the Youtubes, and that you will amputate your knee if you miss the opportunity to work with them.  Unfortunately, you had never even heard of Blah Blahs before this moment, so your general vocab about them might be limited and you might have to tell a few white lies and use some fancy wording.

Never write sentences like that.

There are only so many times you can use the word awesome growth in a cover letter. Companies generally don’t like awesome words that are repeated.

Don’t be afraid of the thesaurus.  Mine is a lady and she, like the Google, is here to help.  She looks like this:

Dolores The-Saurus

She sure is a sweet lady.

She will tell you that you will not only be an asset to  the company, but a benefit, hard worker, diligent human being and not only help but aid, assist, lend a hand and facilitate their growth, moving forward, spreading their wings, flying, etc.

See, the Blah Blahs are already writing themselves!

Step 3 – Celebrating

You have finished abusing the thesaurus.

You have signed it Sincerely comma and your name.

You look like this:

Here’s a drinking game for you to recover:

Every time you used a period in your cover letter, take a shot.
Every time you used a capital letter, take a shot.
And every time you used a word with a vowel, dance with a lampshade on your head.

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

AG