How to Write a Sweet Cover Letter

SO

you found an ad for an awesome new job!

That is convenient and great because you are

  • hating on your current job
  • an unemployed theatre artist
  • wondering how much your liver will go for on the black market
  • madd hungry

Whatever the reason, you decide to read on further:

  • Will you look at that, there are qualifications that you almost-kinda meet! That’s great!
  • It’s almost close to exactly what you went to school for!
  • Benefits and salary and junk! YES!
  • You can buy comics food with the moneys!

Sign me up!

But how?

You read on and see
Please send in your contact information, references, salary requirements, resume and
Oh.

Oh  garbage.

They require a cover letter.  That’s inconvenient annoying COMPLETELY understandable!  Packing your entire resume and personality into three paragraphs is something that will be incredibly helpful for this company to judge you off of to get to know you and your qualifications from!

Never written one? No Fret!  This handy guide will help you write a KILLER COVER LETTER!

What you’ll need:

Google
A thesaurus
Vodka or some other form of hard liquor

Step 1 – You gonna Google the crap outta that company

You’ve vaguely heard of the Blah Blah Company when you were playing a drinking game and watching NY1 at 3AM, but you’re not completely sure what they do.  Well, TGFG!

Mr. Google not only wants to help, it’s his JOB to do so!  So don’t feel like you’re being a nuisance or a problem or gonna get yelled at, just plug that sucker’s name into the search engine and you’re golden!

The magical Google machine will give you lots of information about the company, including their personal website where you can find out things like people’s names.  THEN you can take those people’s names and plug them into your FACEBOOK MACHINE and see if you have any mutual friends that owe you a favor and can put a good word in for you.  And if that doesn’t work you are way advanced at this, then you can even figure out how to find some inappropriate picture to blackmail them with.  Like this one:


That is not me.

Step 2 – LIE!

Now that you’ve gathered together all of that useless information, it’s time to cram it all into your awesome letter!  Of course you want to sell Blah Blahs, they are only the greatest thing ever and you will work your darndest to move the Blah Blah empire forward.

Here’s where the thesaurus comes in.

Your main goal in this whooooole game process is to let the company know that you think they are the greatest thing since the Youtubes, and that you will amputate your knee if you miss the opportunity to work with them.  Unfortunately, you had never even heard of Blah Blahs before this moment, so your general vocab about them might be limited and you might have to tell a few white lies and use some fancy wording.

Never write sentences like that.

There are only so many times you can use the word awesome growth in a cover letter. Companies generally don’t like awesome words that are repeated.

Don’t be afraid of the thesaurus.  Mine is a lady and she, like the Google, is here to help.  She looks like this:

Dolores The-Saurus

She sure is a sweet lady.

She will tell you that you will not only be an asset to  the company, but a benefit, hard worker, diligent human being and not only help but aid, assist, lend a hand and facilitate their growth, moving forward, spreading their wings, flying, etc.

See, the Blah Blahs are already writing themselves!

Step 3 – Celebrating

You have finished abusing the thesaurus.

You have signed it Sincerely comma and your name.

You look like this:

Here’s a drinking game for you to recover:

Every time you used a period in your cover letter, take a shot.
Every time you used a capital letter, take a shot.
And every time you used a word with a vowel, dance with a lampshade on your head.

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

AG

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19 comments on “How to Write a Sweet Cover Letter

  1. Katy says:

    This is pretty much the best post ever. Had a massive laugh. Thank you!

  2. Kelly Gamble says:

    I love the drinking game. You are such a funny lady!

  3. Thank you! Now I know why I don’t have a job yet. Catch you later, I’m off to buy some vodka…

  4. I’ll get into some serious trouble with that drinking game, lol! Great post. Thanks for the smile 🙂

  5. Well that was like my last week and the one interview I did get the guy looked at me like I had crapped on his office carpet. Clearly disappointed. Very funny stuff! Always glad to read something that makes me laugh and you do!

  6. Thanks for cracking me up! 😉

    Sincerely,comma Darlene

  7. Elisa says:

    I have wondered how much my liver would go for, but now I want to know if I’d make anything off an amputated knee LOL! You ARE hilarious :0)

  8. Mara says:

    There are no words… Your brain is some kinda crazy soup. One ofnthe funniest posts I ever read.

    Ps that exactly how I got my current job.

  9. Crystal says:

    AHA! I’ve been doing this without vodka the whole time – no wonder my efforts at finding a better job haven’t panned out!!! Also? Gotta hook me up with that Delores the Thesaurus! She sounds awesome.

  10. LyfesLyfe says:

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my!!!!!!! thank you for this laugh

  11. melynda says:

    I love this. So funny! Well written.

  12. Eirien says:

    This is genius. Thank you for the chuckles.

  13. Isis Rushdan says:

    I can always count on one of your posts to make me smile or laugh. Mission accomplished. Thanks.

  14. Liz says:

    GENIUS! I’ve also definitely lied in the past about my abilities. Never touched a mac computer in my life = why yes I am proficient! Then learn the damn thing before anyone picks up on it. No one should be above lying in their cover letter, or in an interview. It’s how the world goes round.

  15. julie f says:

    Love it!! This is how all cover letters should be done.

    Hire. Me. I. Am. Made. Of. Awesome. There, I just got to take 14 shots and I’m wearing my lampshade as a skirt now. I win.

  16. “What you’ll need:

    Google
    A thesaurus
    Vodka or some other form of hard liquor”

    Where was this post when I was a senior in college looking for a job? When I read that, I laughed out loud and scared the kids.

    Hilarious!

  17. Lol, I cannot beleive you desecrated Webster like that.
    The grammar police will not take this lightly my dear…

  18. You are a NUT! Loved this post…along w/ the rest of them. I mean who the H*** wouldn’t?! You’re “awesome”….sike! You are amazingly artistic beyond measure! Those who re-gected you… are the idiots. Their loss…so sad too bad. When we see you names on the headlines for creating an exhilarating musical, they’ll think, “Sh**!”

    Wishing you all the best hun!
    **Smooches

  19. I seriously had tears in my eyes laughing at this post. One of your best!

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