Job Interview #3

The Interview:

The Interviewer:  Hello, I’m so sorry I’m late WHOA you’ve been waiting here for 2 hours?  My bad, lunch and all.

AG: That’s. Fiii iii iii ne, my time is not important at all.

The Interviewer: Does it hurt to talk through clenched teeth like that?

AG: No.

The Interviewer: GREAT so, shall we get started?

AG: Is that a real question?

The Interviewer: So let’s see, your name is AG…can I call you A, buddy?

AG: Can I call you T.I.?

The Interviewer: A! You’re funny! GREAT! So am I, so am I, listen to this one- knock knock.

AG: This is totally…this is totally not a waste of my time.

The Interview: MOO

AG: Moo…moo who

The Interviewer: THE ECONOMY!

AG: ….

The Interviewer: Oh mah bad, I totally messed up those punchlines

AG:  You are…so funny……………………..

The Interviewer: So let’s see…you are completely and utterly qualified for this job!

AG: I know.

The Interviewer: You are actually the MOST qualified person I have met to date and am telling you this right to your face!

AG: Is that appropriate?

The Interviewer: I think I have lunch in my teeth.

AG: Wow.

The Interviewer: ANYWAY, yeah, this looks great, and I will be in touch!

5 Months Later….

AG,

Hey there buddy.  I wanted to drop a note and thank you for applying to proof and edit my blog.

I did just hire someone for the position, five months after the fact. But why are you surprised, I was totally late to the interview!

My life is very important.

Thanks again, I remember what it was like reading those Playbill ads myself, back in the day when I was just a young theatrical whippersnapper like yourself.    Ah, those were the days, my friend. I thought they’d never end.

But they did and now I’m too important to even be on time for an interview. 

Good luck. You’ll need it.

Wait, who are you?

I am completely unprofessional!

Love always,

Snookums

Oh how EMBARRASSING I meant that for my lover!  Ah, isn’t life funny? 

Well, I hope you can forgive me and not try to seek revenge by completely re-writing this experience and posting it on a BLOG or something hahahaha.

That would be…that would be totally ironic.

 

 

I didn’t touch the first sentence of that rejection letter. Just wanted to let you all know!

AG

 

 

 

#8

AG,

Thank you again for submitting You Gotta Be Kidding Us,  to this year’s We Can’t Produce That Festival.  We were shocked at the amount of money you must think we have based on the submission we received. Choosing 8 plays from over a gazillion submissions is no easy task, but it was made easier when we read your play and discovered you were out of your mind. 

We thank you for that.

A great number of the submissions were of a very cheap production cost and I am not sorry to tell you that none of your pieces have been selected on this occasion. We couldn’t do this play if we wanted to.  Hell, we couldn’t do your play if you strapped a pile of cash to a brick and threw it in our front window at:

5455 Wickamore Lane 

NY, New York 1bunchazeroes1

between Please and Thank You aves.

Your imagination is huge.
That is inconvenient for theater.

Next year try to write something that would make producing your play more manageable. Might we suggest a play about two people talking on a park bench.  Or two people talking at a bus stop.  Or two people talking at a cafe table.  You know, something predictable.  Then you might maybe have a snowball’s chance.

Maybe.

K, Thanks

Kelli Ng & Thea Terre

#7

AG

RE: Your Play

Please read while ominous music plays.

Dear AG,

Thank you for submitting No Shot in Hell for consideration in Political Crap Week 2011.

While we think it’s rather amusing you would think we would select your play in this year’s program, we appreciated getting to know and vaguely register your voice.

 Political Crap Week serves as a way to introduce you agentless drivel to Politics R Controversial Cool! Play Company and it is rumored that writers at every stage of their writing careers are included in our PC Week, but mostly those that already have a name that people would recognize. 

You may find a list of the chosen plays and playwrights below.
You may regard them as gods.
We do.

We wish you a mediocre amount of success as you continue to cry in a corner and thank you again for killing some trees by sending your play to the Politics Get Us Press R Cool! Play Company.

Sincerely,

Annita Lay & Relli Badly

THE CHOSEN ONES:

1.Falling Under Water by Maya Reputation Pro. Ceeds-Me
When Jack meets Jill, he takes her up the hill, but there is no pail of water.  A deeply allegorical view of our economy, this play is sure to make no impact on the economy whatsoever!

2. The Past Was So Much Better Than the Present by Holly Smoke A. Bluunt
Miss the 70s?  We do, too! There was some real stuff going down and they had better drugs. This play is surely to pack a punch! And also, nostalgia!

3. Guns Cause Problems by Amy Pacifist
Guns are bad.  Don’t do guns.

4. Religion Causes Issues by William Mahr
Bob is a Jesuit priest and Esther is not.  Worlds collide, explosions happen, and the very rocks of one family’s foundation threaten to crumble as they travel to the Grand Canyon.

5. Put a Feather in It! by Usa Patriot
What happens when two football teams – The Cowboys and the Indians- get together for an epic match of epic proportions? Something predictable!

6. Internets: They Ain’t Just for Da Youngin No More by Simone Oldde
When technology and theater collide, funding often happens!

7. The Most Epic Play Ever Written by Zoe Poli-Tic
Nobody else should even bother, all! This play is so off the chain, we might get arrested for even thinking about doing it!  It’s just everything ever! And it’s all done with megaphones and ECHO EFFECT! N-N-Nudity! Ripping a picture of someone political IN HALF! BURNING THE AMERICAN FLAG LIVE ON STAGE, YA’ALL! EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE OFFENDED!

Please join us for a wine* and cheese reception.

*Wine donated by my mom from Trader Joe’s.

#5

Dear Playwright, (Points for accuracy!)

Thank you for your submission to Going4Broke Theatre Company.  If you have been selected for our Falling Into Fall: Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees reading series,  you will be notified via email by August 25, 2011.  If not, you will never hear from us again.

Ever again.

As a kind reminder there is no monetary compensation for your submissions in the reading series because despite our uppity attitude, we have no money.  This is a chance for you to see your play and hear it in a visual and tactile way, which is a magical statement since this is for a reading series.  This is in order to help you develop it further, and for us to make money off of you.

We are very excited to help some of  you grow as playwrights and want to possibly see a select few of you move forward with us and become a produced playwright with our company in the future,  so we can claim you as our own and make money off of you.

We’re really broke.

Schedule and instructions will come with the emails sent out on August 25, 2011, but for the rest of you suckers, well, you’ll probably be placed on a mailing list and e-mailed when we’re doing shows or during donation campaigns.  Thank you again for your efforts and we look forward to making snap judgements about your plays!

Most Sincerely,

Mr. Monopoly & Mrs. M.T. Moneybags