Thank you for submitting your play, It’s Nice That You Try, to the We Eat Dreams for Breakfast festival this year. We received SO many submissions, we had to barricade ourselves in the office for 36 months to sort through some really fantastic entries.
It was just a mountain of pages and words. A mountain.
Selecting the final 6 scripts for production was madd difficult, but after many sleepless nights, a couple hundred break downs and some involuntary reenactments of Lord of the Flies, we have whittled that massive pile down by arbitrarily grabbing 6 and arrived at our final program.
The final plays are:
A Teardrop At the Edge of Two Days From Now by Mel-Anne Koli
When a man loses his umbrella on a subway, it’s really a metaphor for losing his soul to a giant cooperation, and also death. Sadness abounds in this play. Bring a tissue. You’ll only need one, it’s not that sad.
Actors are Different from Normal Folk by Irmma Actoorre A former famous actor has a present not as famous actor son and he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t act to get money and ruins his love and DAD LOVE ME DAD PLEASE LOVE ME!
Play with the Panda by Izzaz Badazit Zoundz
Street thugs snatch a cello as a an Upper West Side couple contemplates the future.
Word by Al Readie-Famous
This guy is famous so we’re just happy he sent in a play. No really, it can be ten minutes of a man banging on an out of tune tambourine, reciting a list of salted meats alphabetically and backwards while flowers and butterscotch candies fall from the sky, we’re doing this play.
WERE DOING THIS PLAY.
An Emotion by Yuleneva B. Hapi
Life sux so I wrote a play about.
A Monologue of Epic Proportions by BA-BA-BA-BAM!
This is the tightest monologue ever written, all! You are gonna be blown away by the one person talking for like TEN FULL MINUTES all about things! And not only things, but different things! And a lot of them! There will be POLITICAL JOKES and SEXIST HUMOR and RACIST COMMENTS and then FIREWORKS!
THIS IS WHAT THEATRE IS!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.
I have been awarded FOUR AWARDS! The Irresistibly Sweet award by Isis Rushdan and Julie Fedderson, which makes me blush and look shyly away into the distance:
And the Versatile Blog award by the same wonderful ladies; an award that makes me want to go dancing in outerspace:
I am so honored to receive these awards by these two wonderful ladies – I highly recommend both of their blogs.
Isis Rushdan is a madd tight writer who always has something interesting to say and reviews movies and books. She is honestly one of the most natural writers I have read; her writing is fluid and appears effortless; clearly not only a sign of talent, but a hard worker.
(I’m sorry for the poor construction of that sentence, please forgive me, Isis)
Julie Fedderson always has something funny and witty to say- she makes me laugh and then makes me think, which is an awesome combo. Her posts are full of passion; you can feel the fire of her soul at the seed of each post.
CHECK. THEM. OUT.
OKAY! So this time, I was totally prepared to take my picture upon receiving these awards, I even dressed for it:
WHAT! Nobody told me I had something in my teeth…crap…
Well anyway, to quote the man behind the mask “With great power comes great responsiblity” aka there are rules to these here awards! And I am so excited because I get to pass them on to FIVE MORE BLOGGERS! ::cartwheels::
OKAY HERE ARE DA RULEZ:
The rules are:
1. Thank and link to the person who nominates you CHECK THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
2. Share seven random facts about you
3. Pass this award to five new blogging friends
4. Contact and congratulate the awarded bloggers
SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MEEEE
1. I love showtunes. I KNOW RIGHT but yeah, I do. And right now I cannot stop listening to Follies and Memphis.
2. Something that inexplicably freaks me the frick out? Giant Bunnies. No. Just no. THEY FREAK ME OUT AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Also, yes, the idea of the Easter Bunny scared me so much, my parents had to tell me he wasn’t real when I was five. Like I really was expected to believe THAT.
3. In public, I am actually painfully and irritatingly shy. Yes. YES I KNOW but it’s true. When people are like Yo, sup I’m like TONGUE NO WORK and then they’re like Do you need a doctor and I’m like GIANT BUNNY SCARE-Y and then they run away screaming for the police and I have to go running in the opposite direction, it’s a mess.
4. I take my coffee and my tea black. And I also drink both of them equally. And every morning I wake up, make myself coffee before I leave the house…then I will sometimes buy a tea on my way to work and then make coffee for the office, as that is in my job description…and every time I buy a tea, the dialogue between me and my boss goes a bit like this:
BossMa’Am: What are you drinking?
AG: Tea
BossMa’Am: You don’t drink coffee?
AG: Nono, I drink coffee, too, like the coffee I make and drink in the office every single day, even after I drink my delicious tea.
BossMa’Am: Oh. I only drank tea when I had menstrual cramps
My boss just celebrated her 85th birthday, God love her.
5. I take the subway to work everyday and it takes an hour to and from, so I WRITE THE ENTIRE TIME otherwise I would actually go insane. I call it a Subway Fellowship. It’s great how I fool myself. But I do get a lot of writing done, which is really great. And I totally encourage people to pick up the pen if it seems like they have nothing else to do in their spare time.
6. My imagination is wild, so I’m never really bored. I get frustrated sometimes that I can’t write exactly what my imagination is telling me, which is why I think I’m best as a playwright; because you can work with a director to have your vision come to life on stage.
7. I really care about people achieving and reaching their dreams and goals. If I could buy every single book any of my friends has ever written, I would. I would throw money at them like freakin CONFETTI if I could. I want my friends to do well and believe that there is enough room in this pond of writing and theater for us all to make a splash, so I will promote you to the bitter end and never feel jealousy or animosity for someone who is achieving their dreams. There is no such thing as competition; the only competition you should be in is the one with yourself.
ALL RIGHT AWARDS!
So in the spirit of the Versatile nature of the awards, I chose bloggers who really go out of their way to make their blog different everyday, and cover a range of topics and do a lot of things.
Also, Five Strong Women! YES.
In no particular order:
April Denton: How can I not? She does writer quotes everyday, writes poetry, has compiled an army of zombies, writes stories; basically she isn’t afraid to write whatever she wants whenever she wants and I think that’s not only admirable, but inspirational.
Tinkerbelle: I never know what to expect when I read her blog; she can make even the most mundane seeming day into an adventure. She truly is a tinkerbell on earth, spreading sunshine and cheer. She isn’t afraid to be herself and that is quite refreshing.
Saronai: This lady never ceases to amaze me. She write fantasy in a way that makes me believe it exists, whether it be a poem, a story, or just showing that there is magic in everyday life.
Merry Farmer: I just discovered Merry Farmer and I gotta say, she is amazing. She is not only an interesting writer, but a brave one, unafraid to share her opinion in a way that commands your attention. And also, Medieval Monday. Done deal.
Rhiannon Paille: Just entering her blog page is an experience, but her writing is out of this world. Visit her and see what I mean.
Well youse, CONGRATS on your awesome awards, and don’t forget to follow the rules and keep being awesome.
Thank you for your application to the Obnoxiously Long Title of this Really Awesome Project Program for 2011-2012. The selection process, like the lines by the free sample stations at Costco during lunch, was very competitive this year. We received over one application from writers, a record response to the open call given we advertised it everywhere you googled and our selection panel of drunks and convicts was not very impressed by the quality of the work under consideration.
We regret to inform you in this singular, lonely, singular sentence that your crappy application has not been selected for participation in the OLTRAPP.
We encourage everyone to consider reapplying because we get off on telling you no multiple times, but also the selection panel changes each session, so any future application you submit will have the chance to be considered a nuisance and poorly put together by a new group of bitter strangers. Historically, in 1492 Columbus not only sailed the ocean blue, but many writers are selected after applying several times. Several times and then fame happened.
Please note that even though you won’t care AT ALL, selected 2011-2012 participants will be announced on our website http://www.youfail.com in October 2011.
Please note that even though you’re feeling pretty crummy about yourself right now and are probably under the covers with your can of cheese whiz, you may be able to take advantage of the programs offered by our other exciting programs that don’t suit your overall needs and that you are not at all qualified for.
Finally, there are many organizations in New York City and beyond that support artists in various ways, all of which you have applied to and been rejected from. We in the business call that Making the Rounds.
We wish you the best of luck!
The Leader of OLTRAPP Who Apparently Has No Name, Like Oz; not as omniscient but just as douchey.
Thank you again for submitting You Gotta Be Kidding Us, to this year’s We Can’t Produce That Festival. We were shocked at the amount of money you must think we have based on the submission we received. Choosing 8 plays from over a gazillion submissions is no easy task, but it was made easier when we read your play and discovered you were out of your mind.
We thank you for that.
A great number of the submissions were of a very cheap production cost and I am not sorry to tell you that none of your pieces have been selected on this occasion. We couldn’t do this play if we wanted to. Hell, we couldn’t do your play if you strapped a pile of cash to a brick and threw it in our front window at:
5455 Wickamore Lane
NY, New York 1bunchazeroes1
between Please and Thank You aves.
Your imagination is huge.
That is inconvenient for theater.
Next year try to write something that would make producing your play more manageable. Might we suggest a play about two people talking on a park bench. Or two people talking at a bus stop. Or two people talking at a cafe table. You know, something predictable. Then you might maybe have a snowball’s chance.
Regected Riter 