Guest Blog by Melynda Fleury

My good friend AG has asked/demanded that I write something on his blog. I don’t know if he has lost his mind after some hard negotiating. (I wanted him to send me a chocolate silk pie. He finally agreed to send me ONE SLICE!) He truly is a hard negotiator. I love this guy!

After harder negotiating, on topic this time, (I’m supposed to get a slice of Peanut Butter pie out of this one.) we finally agreed that I was right and he was wrong. The topic should be about what I’m thankful for and not strip joints. (Although he argued that people could be thankful for strip joints.)

So here is a list of things I’m grateful for.

1. Spell check. I know you all feel my pain here. What the heck would a mostly blind person do without all the red squiggles under my well thought out words? Sigh. I would marry the person that improves it by making sure it reads content. For example I once wrote I have the attention span of a FLEE. Oh spell check you rancid traitor! Why didn’t any lines appear to tell me I’m a dumb ass as it should have been FLEA.
2. I am extremely grateful for moronic people. Why? They bring joy and pleasure to my soul. Laughter bubbles up at the sight of an oversized crack peeking up from a pair of suspender strapped pants. Joy overwhelms me when I see some kid with his drawers hanging half way to the ground and I burst into song at this sight. Oh yes. I do. I sing the pants on the ground song. So delightful.
3. Pie. Oh pie. How I love thee. Your cheap imitator Cake, is no substitute for your creamy deliciousness, or your tart filling. I’m so very grateful you bless my table and stomach with your presence. I hope you decide to make many more appearances in almost any flavor. I love you pie!
4. Toilet paper.  Need I say more?
5. Deodorant.  Another blessed invention that some people have not discovered yet. I have recently decided to carry extra sticks of this concoction with me. You want to know why don’t you?  So I can hand them out on busses or in stores.  When someone is in line in front of me or behind me and has obviously not made the wonderful acquaintance of my friend Degree, I can whip out a stick and introduce them. I love giving. It fills my heart with gladness.
6. Indoor plumbing. Something we all take for granted. I beg of you to thank your sinks and pipes, toilets and showers. They are very underrated. Even if they are not in the best of conditions, go take a hiking in trip in December. You will never whine again about their short comings.
7. People that don’t know me. That’s right. Think about it. When you are in a group of people you don’t know, can you not be yourself? When walking down the aisle of your favorite store, imagine your favorite song coming on the loud speaker. You can bust a jam right then and there. You can bellow all the wrong lyrics to passerbies. What does it matter? You don’t know them anyway. God bless you people I don’t know.
8. Friends and family. These people deserve all my gratitude and then some.  After all, these people know what you do in stores AND in private and they still hang out with you. (by you I mean me of course. I’m sure none of you do these asinine things.)
9. Dogs. I love dogs more than pie. I’m thankful for my dogs. They always listen to me when I babble on and on about things like pie.  They never argue or talk back. They love you even if you get their dinners to them late. They don’t care if you dance around like a wild monkey when no one else is home. They are one of God’s best creations.
10. Lastly, I am grateful for packaged meat. I could never be a hunter. If I had to kill, gut and clean my meat I would be a vegetarian. So thank you little Styrofoam packages that hold the meat in place. Thank you, saran wrap for keeping the package together. Thank you butcher for being kind enough to do the dirty work for me. You are a good stranger friend. I know you stink when you get home. Know all of us meat lovers appreciate you.

 

A G Thank you for the opportunity to write some nonsense on your outstanding blog! I will graciously accept your pie donations. ( How are you going to get it to me? You better package it right. I don’t want to have to lick the box. I will, but I don’t want to have to.)

Peace out my friends. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. Don’t quit finding things you are grateful for.

 

Biography: I am a mother or three, in the midst of training my second (and hopefully last.) husband. My days are filled with cleaning, organizing six peoples schedules, (my sister and her kid live with us also.) laundry, (which is the bane of my life.) two dogs, three cats, and two ferrets. When I get a chance to breathe I try to jump in the shower, which is usually interrupted by someone howling for my time and attention. You can find me over at Crazy World   just like AG did. There I spout a bunch of nonsense like you just read. Be warned. This blog has no rhyme of reason. I write about things that amuse me or touch me.

 

And AG Says: And I am thankful for Miss Melynda, who consistently makes me laugh out loud with her crazy antics.  Everybody hop, skip and jump over to her blog and laugh!

Guest Blog: Ultimate Regection by April Denton

Hey all!

Toady I’m a Zombie in honor of one of my favorite writers, Miss April Denton!  You can check out her blog HERE

April is one of my favorite writers; she’s writes everything from poems to zombierotica to fiction and she’s the leader of the Zweeps Army.

So, without further ado, I give you her wonderful eerie poem,

Ultimate Rejection

“Prepare for the end” they said,

for we must survive among the dead.

The zombies came from to and fro,

they came crashing through my window.

My shot rang out loud and clear,

then I realized my worst fear.

For the shot was like a call,

“come horde, it’s a feast for all.”

Retreat now don’t haste,

these decaying monsters won’t be outfaced.

Avoid their bite that is how it’s spread,

first the fever and then you’re dead.

One sunk their teeth into my wrist,

blew the head off that ugly witch.

Praying for useless hope,

maybe with this I can cope.

Immortal and hungry,

decaying and angry.

Death I reject you,

my hunger I will pursue.

A zombie I will become,

feasting forever in bedlam.

Hunting and stalking my next fare,

my lungs will need no air.

My body will never tire,

sleep I don’t require.

Death a rejection,

my gift the infection.

———-
April Denton is a zombie poetess that enjoys the darker side of the undead. When she is not writing, which is very rare, she is drawing or singing. She resides in Indiana with her husband and young son. Read April’s work at poetry & zombies and follow her on Twitter

 

Guest Blog: Paige Kellerman

Rejection’s Not Just About Being Perfect
by Paige Kellerman

When AG asked me to do a guest post for him, I was over the moon. After writing “I’m a guest blogger” on my driveway, stenciling it on the dog and turning it into a magic marker barbed wire tattoo on my ankle, I ran back to the laptop and sent an email.

Dear AG,
That sounds cool or whatever. What would you like me to write about?
Paige

Re:
Dear Paige,
    Rejection.
P.S Do you just comment and not read the blog?
AG
My excitement turned to panic. “Rejection”..? Stopping the presses, I went to Urban Dictionary and tried to figure out what it meant. From what I could tell, it was negative word, implying I’d failed at something. I felt terrible. Poor AG picked the one person who’d never failed at anything in her whole life. For instance, when I was fifteen, all the boys loved me. At night, I’d record all the compliments I’d received that day, in my diary:
“Your sister’s really pretty. Would she go out with me?” “Could you move to the left so I can get a better look at the girl in front of you?” “Have you seen your hair, today?..The circus must be missing a bear.” “It’s a good thing God made you funny.”
Imagine all that in one day.
When I got to college, my professors had as much or more faith in me, writing praise-filled comments on my papers like, “What is this?”, “Maybe you should think about going into the food service industry..”, and “Did you read the book?”

My then-boyfriend was equally as encouraging when he left me at graduation with the parting words, “I think we should see other people. What’s your roommate doing later?”
By the time I got married and became a writer, I was riding the type of high a person can only get from enjoying a life-long history of never failing. I began blogging, submitting stories, and working on a book. The feedback I got from judges was always up-lifting; Usually along the lines of “We accepted everyone’s story except yours.” or “Did you edit this before you emailed it?”
Today, my confidence is lifted continually when I tell people I meet I’m a writer, and they respond with, “No really…what do you do? I’m looking for a maid.” So, it pained me to have to send another email to AG:
Dear AG,
     While I’m extremely flattered you’d like me to write for you, I can’t think of a time I’ve been rejected. I’ll get back to you when I think of something. Gotta run, the cake’s burning.
Sincerely,
Paige

——

Paige spent most of her formative years reading anything besides her school books . Made to write five paragraph essays, by her mother, like it was her job, she garnered enough knowledge to paste a transcript together on a Word document and sneak into college. After a reluctant Dean handed her a degree in English, and she managed to escape the claws of insurance underwriting, Paige found someone who felt sorry enough to marry her. Together, they made a child, that turned out to be two children. Today, she spends her time writing funny stories, taking care of kids, mixing the perfect Gin and Tonic, and figuring out how to get people to stop calling her “that home schooled girl”. She blogs four times a week at paigekellerman.com and is hard at work on her first book of short stories.

—–

Paige always makes me laugh and this entry was no exception, so I’d like to present her with the You Inspire Me blog award:  Thanks so much for sharing your gift of laughter with everybody.