Thank you for submitting your play, Just Wasn’t What We Were Looking For, and for your interest in the Random Playwriting Contest You Found on Craigslist. This year we received a trillion as many entries as last year for our Thirty-Five Second Play Festival About Llama Rights and the Colombian Coffee Industry. Combined with the more than the gazillion new plays we received over the course of this past season due to the fact there are a million writers that try to make it in this world and are desperately submitting to crappy little ten minute play contests with plays that barely fit the important theme of llamas and coffee, that accounts for some amazing scripts that I’ve had the pleasure of skimming. Sorting through each of these plays drunk and assuring that every play is evaluated drunk is no easy task for a small professional new works theatre, no easier than coming up with humble adjectives which describe this burgeoning, under-the-radar, hopefully one day influential place of play production. We do it because we believe in the importance of creating new plays better than yours and in fostering the great work of playwrights who show more promise than you.
Choosing a single play from among such a competitive field was a difficult process, and here, in the beginning of the second paragraph, buried underneath sentences of niceties, I’m sorry to report that this is the sentence in which I will tell you your play was not chosen. We appreciate your interest in the Theatre You Had No Knowledge Of Before You Submitted (TYHNKOBYS). I hope that you will consider entering again and sharing your talent with us and maybe consider funding us, too, as well, because we are a fledgling, adorable yet powerful theatre who may or may not be interested in future plays that the Humana Festival will also reject.
Below you may view the winners and make judgements about them.
THESE PEOPLE ARE WINNERS!:
1. Amigos y Musica de Salsa by Joe Smith
2. Feminism NOW by A.M. Biguous
3. An Allegory for Elementary School by Iam Aman
4. Somebody Learns an Important Lesson and People Will Cry by Iam Alzoo A. Manne
5. Token Comedy by Hardy HarHar
Honorable Mentions: Because You Really Want to Know
This Play Sounds Like it Sucks by this point bitter
Why are you still reading this? by Just Look Away
Couldn’t they at least tell me why I wasn’t chosen by Logic
LOCAL CONTEST WINNERS Or the Category You Didn’t Even Have a Chance At Winning
1. I Guess My Play Didn’t Really Represent the Theme by Admittance
2. Yeah, I Never Really Looked Up The Theatre by Regretting this Submission
3. They’re Not Saying I Suck, Just That This Play Wasn’t What They were looking for and don’t cry, it’s just a rejection,
4. rejections build character and a fortress around your heart.
5. They are a gift.
Trying to sound sincere,
Somebody you will never hear from again.