A lot of people come up to me and say,
Hey AG. You’re a playwright.
And I say,
That’s the rumor my MFA tells me, anyway!
And they say,
Wow. You paid money for that?
SURE DID! A BUTTLOAD completely reasonable amount of money. It was totally not COMPLETELY not worth it.
And then they ask my favorite question!:
So when are you gonna be on the Broadway?
When am I gonna get to see you on the Broadway with the lights and songs and music?
When are you gonna write a Big Broadway Musical ?
And I say I am SO GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION! Being a playwright does automatically mean I write musicals! Thank you for assuming!
And then they ask why I’m talking so loud, wearing my graduation hat and crying into my diploma in a gutter on 42nd street.
THE POINT IS,
I know how to write a Broadway musical. I do. And if you ever wanted to write a successful Broadway musical but just didn’t know how to get started, well, thank your lucky Google, this is the guide for you!
Not convinced you want to write a successful musical? WHAT! Let me bullet you some points:
- Musicals make you
moneyr toes tap and your soul itch! - Watching the joy on people’s faces will make you
moneyr heart fill with joy - And I know this might come as a shock, but musicals are the only way you can turn a profit, or even stay open for more than three months at a time on Broadway. But don’t let that motivate you! Do it for the
moneyjoy.
What you’ll need:
A dartboard and some darts
Working knowledge of songs
Youtube
Step 1 – Choosing a Topic
There is so much inspiration, all around us at all times. The possibilities are INFINITE!
But you want to write a successful show so what you gotta do is get a dartboard and some darts and some movie posters.
Step 1a: Glue movie posters onto dartboard
Step1b: Throw dart
Step1c: You gonna turn that sucker into a big ol’ time Broadway musical!
For anyone interested, Yes, Bonnie and Clyde the musical opens November 4 and Ghost the Musical is coming in Spring of 2012.
These are some movies I am excited to watch get butchered for the Broadway stage:
Predator
Jurassic Park
Jaws
The Happening
Well, dibs on The Happening, you guys. I’ve already written like half of a song:
Do you know?
I don’t know!
What is happening now?
Do you know?
I don’t know
I think I’ll kill myself now
BUT WHY
We don’t know
WE DON’T KNOW!
I guess I’ll kill myself now
Is it the trees?
NO it’s the breeze!
Or a combo of the two!
Oh I don’t know
What the hell is
Happening NOW
I’ll think I’ll jump off this rooooooof!
Step 2 – Write some songs
Now you’re going to have to figure out how to get some original songs for your musical.
Don’t just be lazy and grab an album off the shelf, like ABBA or Frankie Valley and the Four Seasons, those have already been done be original. Search Youtube for songs you’ve NEVER heard of before that you can smash and twist into a plotline for your original, one of a kind successful Broadway show.
Here are some suggestions:
Billy Joel
GreenDay
The Who
Meatloaf
Journey
Frank Sinatra
Queen
U2
The Shirelles
Judy Garland
Bon Jovi
The BeeGees
Rod Steward
Bob Dylan
The Beatles
The Andrew Sisters
Poisen
Artetha Franklin
Barbara Streisand
Well, I’m sure you’ll come up with something.
Step 3 – Add Some Dancing!
Ain’t a musical without fancy footwork!
I suggest this guy:
Step 4 – Don’t Forget the Necessary Expository Dialogue!
You know the type I’m talking about. It goes like this:
Clyde: Did you know this thing that happened in the movie?
Bonnie: No, but I know this other thing
King Kong: That’s good because now the audience knows both those things, catch phrase!
The Little Mermaid: This sentence displays a character flaw!
Mary Poppins: This setence is a retaliation that portrays conflict with said character flaw but also demonstrates that we are meant to be together
All: H a h a h a h a laughter
Mike Tyson: Plot point?
Guy from The Hangover: Plot point.
Glinda: Conflict?
Alien: Resolution!
All: Aaaaaw h a h a h a h a laughter QUICK LET’S SING!
Good thing is, you just gotta slap a couple of those sentences together, ’cause it’s a musical and we gotta get to the mediocre music ASAP!
Step 5 – A Rip Roaring Foot Stomping Carpet Raising Closing Number
Basically you want your audience to say this:
Tourist 1 : What was that musical about?
Tourist 2 : I don’t even care, Imma jiiiive outta here
And then they jive outta there.
Well, students, you have now surpassed the Master. I can call myself a Master because of the Degree. Let’s see that again:
It’s just so pretty.
Anywho, I hope I get a thank you in the Tony Acceptance speech. I’ll be at home, working my way through a 6 pack with a lampshade on my head.
I won’t be wearing pants.
Regected Riter 
When my daughter was about 5 (300 or so years ago) we would write songs together so she could pick them out on the piano. Her favorite was “If I were an Elephant” May I present it to you in its’ entirety?
“If I were an elephant & you were a canary, if I stepped on you, you wouldn’t like it!”
I’d like your expert opinion Do you think that could be the basis for a hit Broadway musical?
.
FishDucky, it pains me to tell you that despite my coffee flying out my nose when I read that lyric, no, that cannot possibly be the basis for a hit Broadway musical.
It is far too original for Broadway.
What a shame! I had always hoped to write a Broadway musical, & you’re telling me I’m not NOTEworthy enough?
Hmmm… I think we could work with her lyric, as a spin-off from Suessical. Horton steps on a canary and sings about it!
Suessical Twossical: The Sequel.
(I dare ya to say that 3x fast!)
What a great post, AG! Honest and witty. And I hope you opted for the expensive frame upgrade for your degree.
FishDucky, I think my children would love your daughter’s song. My kids have been gifted with song as well. But for them, it’s more about the actual volume, than the deeper message of the lyrics, such as with your canary.
“I can sing this song–” “But I Can Sing This Song–” “BUT I CAN SING AAAAHM LOOOUDER THAN YOOOOOO STOOOP STEPPPPING ON ME MOMMMMY HE PUSHED MEEEE!”
Music to my ears.
I think that is a great basis for a hit Broadway musical. And the premise should be the demise of America’s middle class at this time. If you do it now, it may have to start locally, but I promise it would grow to be a hit with the right team.
I’m sorry FD, you’re too original. TOO ORIGINAL! Have some recycled thoughts, then we’ll talk.
(Don’t do that)
How about this? (Sung to the tune of “Second Hand Rose”)
“Second hand thoughts, I’m having second hand thoughts………..”
Is that unoriginal enough?
You’re way too awesome, you just made me laugh out loud.
Marvellous– but might I suggest an alternative species of bird…. a Tit thus giving you a rhyming couplet and a double entendre in one fell swoop . . .
Oh, yes, you got it! I mean, you got tit!
As a newspaper reporter for 40 years who is considered a “writer” and with a sister who has produced TV shows like 30Rock, I am often amazed at what gets on screen, stage and TV while the undiscovered screenplays I have written sit gathering dust. So I think your daughter may be on to something with the elephant and canary thing and I now plan to pick the fertile brains of my twin 4-year-old nieces and 18-month-old granddaughter for some ideas.
ok
Great entry! Made me laugh and smile! I really enjoyed reading it!
OMG, I completely understand your rant. Plays? They have plays on Broadway? I thought it was all musicals. Are you sure you don’t mean Off-Broadway?
Honestly, I’ve gone to more plays while living in England down in London than in NYC. That’s your answer, move overseas :).
Your song, The Happening, kinda creeped me out and made me wonder, “what is happening now?”. Time to cheer myself up. *Step clap, jazz hand, rain hands, butterfly, freestyle it* Ahh, that’s better. Much happier now.
Greatly amusing. Went perfectly with my coffee. Now I will be able to do nothing but jiiiiive today!
Oh, I needed that this morning! Thank you for putting a smile on my face and making me giggle. That was brilliant! :-]
I am so writing a musical this weekend.
I think this post could be a musical. Can I use my BA in Theatre to do the set design for it?
And I can use my BA in Theater to do the costumes! And – I’ve got my Actor’s Equity card…I use it as a bookmark, so I just need to find the book in which I used it last. It should come in handy for SOMETHING. Let’s put on a show!
I’ve never been to a Broadway play or musical. I do think I will be ready to expand my cultural education and attend when you final finish writing the muscial for The Happening. Just let me know.
Hey there lady! It’s me…omg you are hilarious! Keep at it. Some of society treasures the BS so for great writers…it will take us a while to get our big break! But don’t give up!!!
Miss yah! Talk to you soon.
I too have a diploma–why do those things make people cry LOL!
I snorted OUT LOUD when I got to the part about Jaws. You’re too awesome!
“Double dream hands!” omg, that’s….amazing.
Your write-up is cute and maybe a little scary. I hope being a playwright isn’t that bad. Also, screw the diplomas. A piece of paper can’t really speak like the heart does. One’s passions [actually followed] will get them further in life than some human-made ‘permission slip’.
Cheers^^
I think I may have peed myself a little bit. I will neither confirm nor deny it.
“I don’t even care, Imma jiiiive outta here
And then they jive outta there.”
I haven’t laughed that hard at a post in a while. Well done sir. Well done. A couple suggestions:
Copywrite “The Happening” song…(it’s not like M. Night Shamalamaramacramit is making any royalties off it anyway.
Start writing a play about regection, STAT. I think it’d be way more popular than the critics would say it wasn’t. I’d even fly out there to see it…LOL
You’re so hilarious and talented. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise..
Now I want you to write a 2 minute musical about me….. yeah, even when you’re making me laugh, it’s all about me….. 😉
I’ve read some funny posts today but this one is by far the funniest. Hey, you should write a musical about this blog post. Can I be in it? I’ll do the Double Dream Hands. “Okay, now look down at the ground. Look up. Point your finger. Starbust!!!”
So when are you going to be on Broadway, with your name up in lights?!
OH GOOD I can still work on my Bruce Springsteen-based musical on how hard it is to make it in NY.
Yeah but what movie are you gonna base it on?
Sigh, you didn’t read it at all, did you….jk
Anger Management. Duh.
Brilliant! Simply brilliant! And I just about died when I hit play on the video. LOL I could see the cast of 30 Rock dancing on a Broadway stage. Holy *#%! I have a ton of movie posters stashed away in my closet from the good-ole-days. What about a musical of Baby Boom? 😀 Haaaa haaaa
Thanks so much for the giggle, AG – I desperately needed some cheering-up today. My favourite part would have to be those diplomas and their “fine print” (try to get a job with this, I dare you!). Also, you’ve opened my eyes – I thought Broadway musicals were all about people coming to terms with things and were loaded up with swears… Damn you, Simpsons, you’ve steered me wrong again!!! *shakes fist*
Holy Mother of Jazz Hands. I could not stop watching that video. It was like watching a young Gary Busey do interpretative dance. As far as musicals, I think there is a need for a Country-Western themed musical. I mean, other than Oklahoma, this is a hole in the musical scene begging to be filled. I have penned the first lyric to the opening number: “You broke my heart, so I busted your jaw, now I’m sittin’ in the court of law.” Hilarity ensues after that. Miley Cyrus can play the lead.
I don’t know much about it, but have you heard of the musical ‘The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas’? I’m pretty sure it’s country…I think there’s a movie, and I think Dolly Parton is in it….
I love that you are in theater – just makes me appreciate your blog even more. I have my BA in acting and friends and family used to say “You’re an actor? How do you get on Broadway?” I HATED that question. Now I work behind the scenes as a Press Agent, but that comes with it’s own share of horror stories. For example, you know the show where people fell a lot and the opening night was delayed for sixth months? You know what I’m talking about. Yeah, I work on that.
Ouch.
I have a BMus in voice and people always ask my if I’m going to audition for Canadian Idol. Not only do I think those shows are useless, but yeah, classically trained here! I don’t think they would appreciate me busting out some Brahms or Debussy….
there goes my dream of being a broadway star 😀 two thumbs up
Man, you have got to write one of the most hilarious blogs on the internet. I couldn’t stop laughing at this. Priceless. And now I know how to write a musical! I’ma get to work on “The Dark Knight” now!
Thank God this has finally been laid out so clearly. I’m off to write some songs. Wait, that was second, wasn’t it?
Kathy
♥ LOVE ♥
That is all.
@fishducky “If I were an elephant & you were a canary, if I stepped on you, you wouldn’t like it!”
Sell that to Sesame Street or Yo Gaba Gaba! Hilarious and kids would love it!
I’m glad to know that people who write musicals do it for the sheer joy of it…that it has nothing to do with the money, whatsoever… 😉
This post is hilarious! I love “Try to get a job with this. I dare you”…so funny! 🙂
Great job and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Here’s an ideal. Write a one-man show. Use Castaway as your “movie”, a sippy cup with the words “Spill-son” on it, and then dance around it to the tune “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair”
Talk about a flaming success.
What a great step-by-step list to follow. I ran across this old group called the Walls, or The Screen Doors, or Doors, or…I don’t know, something like that. Anyway, it seems unlikely that anyone has heard of them…so I’m gonna work on stealing those songs. Thanks for the idea!
Winning. I love this so much I cannot explain. As someone who has done a tremendous amount of theater, both musical and straight shows, I agree with you whole heartedly. Nothing more cheesy than a bunch of people singing and dancing about the topic/movie/book/musical-movie of the day.
You are a bitter and hilarious human being. Don’t forget to mention non-musicals like The Lombardi play, which is basically just an impersonator reading lines from a book. (It is still great, but it wasn’t a tough write.)
Oh my god! This had me laughing hysterically at work. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that guy! ::Double dream hands!:: Your writing is hilarious. Good luck with your masters and in the words of Rent finding your “one song, one glory.” Hopefully it’s many and you can make lots of money, I mean bring joy to saps like me who love musicals! Great post!
Bwahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:: climbs onto the keyboard and applauds wildly::
awesome! and congrats on making freshly pressed! 😀 😀 I love your blog.
Darlene
I love this! I hate to admit it but . . . I have a degree in musical theater. (Crying in the gutter . . .) and with that degree the career goal I went for was to be a screenplay writer. I know . . I know . . .
Basically, the whole “when are you going to write that next great Broadway Musical” question appeared a lot in my recent college grad life. Once I wrote a play that got staged and I’m pretty sure everyone was dissapointed that there was no tap dancing.
Thanks for sharing this :).
LOL! That was soooo funny! I think I’m going to turn Saw into a big broadway musical. Saw or Debbie Does Dallas. Either one.
I love the Happening song! I think you’ve got a hit there!! teehee
If a bawdy Sesame Street can be made into a musical (Avenue Q) and evangelizing Mormons can become a sold-out hit (The Book of Mormon), then you can do it! The previous commenters suggestion to do a musical about the blog world is really a good one. Just don’t forget the jazz hands. Everything is better with jazz hands! And if it makes you feel any better, your degree is better than mine which I got 30 years ago: Music Performance (a.k.a. opera). I don’t regret a minute of it. Congrats on being FP’D!
http://www.howthehelldidienduphere.wordpress.com
These instructions are actually quite useful. Looking forward to more you have to offer! Keep up the good work!
This is awesome! 🙂 I’m also glad to find someone else with a liberal arts degree. Next year I get to find out what to do with mine! Finding a gutter to cry in sounds like a good plan… 😀
LOVED the reference to “Newsies” (the worst ever written) and the jazz hands on the dancer, did I miss the Fossie walk? Hysterical!
Thanks for making me laugh out loud! I attended The Evil Dead: The Musical! on my birthday a few years ago. It was Off Broadway and we sat in the “Splatter Zone”, the first few rows were designated the SZ, since you got splattered with copious amounts of fake blood if you sat there. It was pretty hilariously, awesomely, tongue-in-cheekly enjoyable– almost as if it was written using your handy guide. Good luck to you!
Definitely thought your Happening song was hilarious :p
Brilliant!
With an M.A.
as a poet
I’ll hope to share
the lampshade
sans jazz hands
while absinthe
drips from my pen
Thanks too for the great referral links for playwrights.
I don’t have anything terribly original to say (the unoriginality must be catching!), only that I am a theatre nerd and I enjoyed this article very much. To Broadway!
Oh my God, I have never read anything so completely and utterly true. I felt like I was reading the script of my life. Which is just incredibly depressing. “So when are you gonna be on the Broadway?” I once got that same question from a random guy who sat next to me on the plane, and I don’t even want to talk about the conversation with the guy who installed my window coverings. God, this is brilliant. I’m going to go plaster this all over all of my premed friends’ Facebook walls.
Absolutely love the degree, I swear it looks just like mine would have had I stuck out the liberal arts thing. I chose instead to quit but I wnat that awesome piece of paper now! Anyway, this had me laughing in my seat, nicely written.
OMG–so funny!
MA in Japanese Studies = next translator for the President and the UN! Clearly. High-five, liberal arts MA! (I’m actually employed as a writer in the travel industry now, so hopefully my family is happy with that. I am!)
When I was a younger soul, I was a stage hand. I worked so many freakin’ musicals. And somehow I never stabbed myself in the ear. It still amazes me.
What? You weren’t talking about me?
But we could so a musical about me. We could base it on the movie where the person gets up, goes to work, sits at a desk, goes home, gets the kids ready for bed, sleeps, gets up…
Oh crap.
Keep working ,fantastic job!
Gave me a good laugh. Great writing and funny stuff. Looking forward to seeing your broadway musical hope you star in it and definitely do the song. Definitely.
“Try to get a job with this I dare you.” I can’t stop laughing!!
Being rather a huge fan of the Broadway Musical, I had a great laugh at your post. Well done. It does sometimes make you wonder “what were they thinking?!” when they made that into a musical! And you have the formula down just right 🙂 I also have a …..da dum .. diploma in creative writing for children. Not especially helpful though in the long run.
I’ll be there in the front seat to your next hit though!
KL
Nicely done! I definitely sympathize with your bitterness!
Great post! Hilarious! I threw a dart and it hit Gigli, so I’ll start writing some songs right away!
Write a musical or not–and bring it to Chicago please, I’m getting tired of the Blue Men and other forms of “musical theater” here. Hysterical post, you should write a comedy.
Dream hands to clapping at your post! Step touch- and MONETIZE smile! Love it.
You write how I think and sometimes speak. Thank you for the laugh! Great post!
Oh God! You’re a genius! 😀
Oh boo, how aboutthe bit about finding inspiration from Operas, (Not La Boheme, that’s been done), perhaps Aida, maybe I can play the lead 😉
Great piece; brightened my early morning web wanderings. What’s happened to ‘theatre’ (sorry theatre) in NY then? Not necessarily the grand old masters but anything that isn’t loosely musically based? Only musicals on Broadway? Still? In this day and age?????
funny
http://www.sunclarabest.com
Funny. Funny. Funny.
greaaate post!!:)
Sooooooooo funny! That guy on the video… is that real?? Hilarious!
Really enjoyed reading this post, thank you!
You made a good point– it seems musicals based on movies do best. It seems like first a book gets written, then it’s made into a movie, and then a musical.
I got a theater degree, too, with some emphasis on playwriting. So I became a novelist. It seemed like the only sensible thing to do.
And 24 years after my degree, I actually get paid (peanuts) for writing novels! Who knew! But I expect I’ll get to Broadway someday by the route markwebermusic describes above–write the novel, then they make it into a movie, then the movie gets made into a musical. Yesss!
Musical about a serial killer chopping off heads in revolutionary Paris during the Reign of Terror, anyone? It could be as big as Les Mis!
Haha, loved this post!!! This post is hilarious. Double Dream Hands sure is hilarious. I will surely thank you in my acceptance speech should I ever win a Tony!
This just great! Spectacularly funny.
(It would be great to showcase your blog a choiceposts.wordpress.com. Just email me 5 of your favorite links and an intro — instructions are at choicposts.wordpress.com)
I just want to give you some random knowledge: it is possible to like both musicals and this blog. I’ll make sure you’ll be in my speech (in which I’ll probably also use some of the ideas out of your exemplary dialogue) I like your sense of humor!
I’m working on Cops: The Musical. WATCH OUT. It’s gonna be big.
This is hilarious! My favorite part was the dancing guy. Shoulder!
I wrote a musical once. The only part that really sucked was when I woke up and realised it was a dream. Congrats on being FP! Cheers.
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so random
It always amazes me what we will go through to get our one minute of fame. I would settle for one second. LOL Great blog. Had me laughing. Keep writing!
HAW HAW HAW!
“Being a playwright does automatically mean I write musicals!”
Awesome post. Thank you for sharing it!
I will follow your blog for sure. Have a great day!
Sooo funny!
Great post. I would love to see Exorcist – The Musical LOL
This was amusing all the way through, but the last couple of lines in particular made me laugh out loud. Well done.
Speaking of cute kid lyrics that would make a musical, how about this lyric from a 5 year old blues’ guitarist: “Bad boy, Mama, gonna hit you down. Daddy on potty, goin’ to town.”
Like any pop music, writing a musical is so hard because it is so easy!
I dare someone to make a musical based on T-Pain.
[…] How to Write a Broadway Hit Sep22by AG […]
Newsies!! 😀 ❤
Okay! So I could not read ALL the comments. And for some reason your post reminded me to go lock up the chickens.
But yes, I see where your coming from. You gotta aim high. Why not Broadway? Might even hit it, the asphalt anyway.
heeeheee great advice, with clever humor! 😀
absolutely hilarious…from someone who used a BFA to dress up like a cat and sing a dead dude’s poetry.
Bravo!
Oh My Goodness! You made me laugh! In fact crying with laughter reading your post.
Can see that reality has settled in. I know all about that.
We have our office on 42nd Street, – I think I saw you crying in the gutter into your diploma when I left my office. LOL
I LOVED the video on the dancing routine – in fact I have already signed up!
On a more serious note, with the “pay for one get one free” Broadway promotion that just recently ended, we took the opportunity to see quite a few shows – and honestly we left some theatre/shows with less than favorable impressions. The general concensus was that indeed some of the shows were were worth the $60 we paid for our tickets as opposed to the exorbitant prices for Broadway these days. Could not possibly imagine paying full price for some of the shows we saw.
In fact I now remember seeing the same dancing routine in one too many shows as featured in your blog! LOl
Ha ha ha… just followed your advice. Wanna see the next Award Winning Broadway hit ; )
SO not fair–there is a little originality on Broadway.
But I get your point–in an unexpected parallel, if one more person asks me why my conversation and interaction skills are so limited but I have a degree in communications……GRRRRR…….
Have a look at my writings…. 🙂 http://camelliaburows.wordpress.com
Hilarious, and don’t forget what jlsalger said…Exorcist in musical I’m waiting for that one too.
This was hilarious and amazing. You sir, are awesome.
Also, I really hope you’re a sir. It occurs to me that I assumed based on your little stick figure up there. 😀
ha ha funny !!
loved this! feeling motivated now. i’ll be sure to mention you in the credits of “The Fly: The Musical” 😀
“Animal House On Ice”
“The Mrs Doubtfire Revue”
oh, i’m full of them.
Fantabulous post 🙂 And the diploma is one of a kind 🙂
I can’t tell you what I loved most about this post. But being the mean, sarcastic person that I am, it must be the sarcasm/irony. I am a singer, an OPERA singer, and when I tell people I sing most of them say, “You’re so lucky you can sing.” Really? All this work, the $$, the practice, the lack of success in my chosen field, the years of typing/filing/working for condescending “professionals” in order to support myself while I tried to make it in a rarified art form almost no one goes to? All this was sheer luck? What a dumbass I have been not to be grateful for all that. But YOU, who clearly know nothing about classical music/singing, you just hit the nail on the head, and after all that time/effort/money wasted on my part! Thanks for opening my eyes, though. NOW I can be happy.
And by the way, if you ever need a jaded, sarcastic, trained opera singer for your mediocre musical, please give me a shout.
I think I’m ready to write my first musical! “Platoon: The Musical”, but I need to chase down the contact information for “dream hands”; I won’t settle for anyone else as my choreographer.
Very funny! As someone who grew up on musicals, I loved this post.
Keep on, keeping on. How’s that?
Awesome Piece of advice about writing a Broadway Hit. I will take some notes here and start writing my broadway show!
Heehee, I was totally drawn to this post because the dart landed on ‘Newsies.’
I will be requiring my own diploma of musical writting after reading this, after all I’m sure it summerized the 4 years of college that I could have otherwise taken. For the record back in middle school my teacher used that dancing guy’s video’s to teach us ballroom dancing. If you think his dream hands are cool, you should see his waltz. As soon as my musical goes to broadway, I’m casting him for all the parts. Maybe I’ll do the movie Footloose, it seems like his kind of thing. (of course that implies that I’ve seen the movie footloost, which I haven’t… Oh well I’ll just throw in a few hours of dancing, a song or two, and the audience won’t notice)
This has me laughing so hard! I’ll give you genius on this one. It’s got me thinking, I should make some DC comics musicals hahaha!
Feel free to check out my blog on congrads on being freshly pressed!
http://theworldandherstage.net
I never thought I actually have what it takes to write a broadway musical! UN-original is my gift!
Congratulations! This is the best thing ever. And I have the credentials to say that – I have a BA! That’s right, folks. STAND BACK and SOAK IT IN!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start work on “Terminator: The Musical” (featuring songs by the Barenaked Ladies.) (Actually, “Lovers in a Dangerous Time” would fit strangely well.) (Wait, that’s Bruce Cockburn. Dang. Still Canadian, though.) (Hur hur, “Cockburn”.)
Ah HA! i can see the Terminator – in a real green dress – now that’s cruel. Will he have a side life and be called ‘Jane’? Or perhaps he’ll be a paranoid schizophrenic but a great bedside manner.And be called Brian. :0)
Yay – CanCon! (Canadians familiar with radio play rules will get that reference).
All kidding aside, “Lovers in a Dangerous Time” contains one of my all-time favourite lyrics: “got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight.” By the way, the artist/writer’s surname is pronounced CO-BURN. Yep, the CK in the middle is silent.
And sticking with the Canadian theme, why not a musical from Blue Rodeo songs? ABBA did it…
Really enjoying this blog! I’m busy writing a musical about Curry, so I hope I have a suitable USP? I haven’t quite made it to Broadway yet but it will be going into workshops later in 2012 in South Wales (that’s the one in the Norther Hemisphere). I also have another musical going into workshops in the Spring with the assistance of the Welsh Arts Council next March. I’ts called “Another Bite of the Apple” and is about a romance between a Welsh girl and an Amercian solider that is re-kindled in the 1980s many year’s after the American has returned home. The script on this one is by Frank Vickery who’s a pretty succesful guy in South Wales.
If you want to follow the progress of these two projects, have a look and leave a comment on my blog. Meantime keep up the good work AG!
Tim Riley
great article.. 🙂
it is every writers dream to have their work put in broadway.. such a great accomplishment once it has been..
congratulations for making it on the freshly pressed.. 🙂
keep it up! ^_^
hope mine could get featured too.. 😉
I would like to see a Broadway musical based on George Eliot’s Mill on the Floss because it has enough for a romantic epic but few musicals seem to have sad endings so I think that’s unlikely.
Double dream bonus points for the video. And you’d think I’d have twigged what MFA stood for, considering your line of work, but I read through part of the post thinking it was a pet name for your agent….
In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, It’s funny because it’s true.
I bet that “Inception – The Musical” would be coming soon.
Very funny stuff! Hmmm, sounds like a great podcast idea – “Broadway, the Podcast!” ? Then everyone can download it and carry their Broadway with them.
So good and congratulations on being freshly pressed. As I write this I may or may not be wearing any pants…
Nice article! I like your sense of humor! 🙂
Hey! Has anyone written a broadway hit about trying to get into Broadway?
I can hear the theme tune now: “I did it… Brooooooadwayyyyy”
This is not a franki rip off – no.it’ be original :0)
good stuff. i wish you the best of luck!
If nobody else has called it, I have dibs on Cowboys & Aliens: The Musical.
great, funny & painful all at once. i hope to illegally download a videotaped version of one of your many broadway hits in the near future 🙂
Hilarious. True. And oh so painful to acknowledge.
beautiful post……..
What a great post!
bijesibuka.wordpress.com
Cast Adam Sandler as the goofy but loveable protagonist. You will have a moderate success, for certain.
Excellent posts and lots of useful information . i have bookmaked this site so i can return again and again
Haha….good stuff man. I love your reasons for why people should write musicals.
Loved this post and I love your humor!
I have to say I have performed in my fair share of musical but every word you say is true. The age of originality is over and the creative arts are becoming a lot less creative.
This post was great and made me laugh out loud. In my college library. I got a lot of looks. Thanks for that. ha
Hi, I’m new here ! Your blog post made me laugh a great deal ! Thanks
Love the song for the Happening. You may be on to something there.
Hey AG,
Not sure at what point you stop reading comments on a freshly pressed piece – there are only so many hours in the day, right? I loved your dissection of the Broadway process, and am ecstatic about your links – I got a nice email from a lady trying to link her vintage clothing store up with Community Theatre groups, as she’s thinking of operating a rental service – she has some fantastic clothes, and you could outfit an entire production of West Side Story from the store. Thing is, I have very few Community Theatre groups in my Rolodex (which I don’t even have) so your links could save the day, and make a lot of people very happy. Thank you!
But I think you are a playwright, a great playwright.
I once wrote a musical about a drunk hobo on a train with me. He wouldn’t stop crying. I called it The Emotional Hobo and totally ripped off a few opera classics! The rest is history!
Your post and the double dream hands video are freakin’ priceless!
Really like ❤
Great post! Very entertaining! May take this and mould it slightly to write a play. Or maybe a musical about a really obscure film; ‘The Men Who Stare at Goats: The Musical’ haha!
Hilarious! And the video hit my funny bone.
Thanks for the laugh 🙂
This post just made my day!
Very good post and it really made me laugh out loud! Though, your approach would make a great television show I believe 😛
hilarious post!!!
this is my first time checking out your blog, but what other musical theater ideas do you have?
What a useful guide. My dad always claims Westside Story is his favourite musical because all the noisy people get shot at the end.
Oh my gosh, I’m not sure I’m even witty enough to comment on this post! I love how it made me snort, giggle and sigh at the same time! Well-written!
A. Wow you’ve inspired a lot of comments…
B. Here’s another!
I love this post and this whole blog for that matter! I’m a a playwright in training (I’m currently attending the Fake College for Dramatic Jokes) and equally detest the “when are you going to be on Broadway” question. Whenever I’m asked it I discretely stick a fork in my upper-thigh to work off some frustration.
Thank you for sharing your own frustration because I too am still in my cap in gown, beer in hand, sans pants trying to write “Bridges of Madison County” the Musical with the music of Weird Al Yankovic.
love the diploma!:)
Love this! 😉 Keep up the good work and ill keep following you!!
-Chris Styles
http://www.idolizethemind.com
Hilarious. I started as a BA but saw exactly what you wrote here, and so I switched to….. Drum roll please — Sociology!!! Genius….
Thanks for making me laugh out loud. I was watching Bored to Death which only promote existential silent chuckles also known as an english smirk. Good luck with the lamp shade.
You seem to have the same exact feeling towards getting a degree or paying for a college course in playwriting as I do in going to lawschool. Congrats. Lets occupy wordpress with our disgruntledness. i’m serious!
I enjoyed your post. It was funny.
http://www.nycgirlnextdoor.com
So pleasantly surprised that this post made me laugh! Brilliant post! I especially love the half a song for The Happening. I was even singing it in my mind while reading it, haha.
Congrats on FP!
Awesome post !! made me start my day with a smile – thanks!
As someone who worked on a few of the musicals mentioned in your post, and featured in your picture, this was a fun post to read…
And, I should point out that we did Newsies at Paper Mill Playhouse, which is in New Jersey… a few miles away from Broadway…
haha love the post! Hope someday my blog will be as funny/interesting as wel!
Great post! Maybe you could make a musical out of it?
I majored in art and music, then English and journalism. Apparently, I am allergic to money.
The random movie generator (version 2.0) says I should write a musical based on Playboy: Sexy Shorts. IMDB describes it as “Sexy tales from Hollywood’s hottest young filmmakers.”
I smell a hit.
OMG THIS IS AWESOME….we just came from watching Wicked 2 weeks ago, and MAN I just want to know how much thought comes with these processes.
Stumbled upon this blog trying to get inspiration for my own blog. After reading this, I’m giving up blogging and writing a musical. Way easier!!
Thanks for a hilarious blog!
[…] got the creative juices flowing. No juices but this one blog cracked me up I had to share – How To Write A Broadway Hit. Next stop for inspiration BuyTheCase.net’s website. Maybe some cool product will jump […]
Holy hell this is funny. Just followed you on twitter, mate. Regection roolz.
Nice post. Someone already beat you to Predator: The Musical, btw. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlicWUDf5MM
That’s a good idea perhaps…………
waaaaaaaaa hahahaha, what ingenious writing. If you wrote a play about writing a play, I’d go see it.
Bravo sir, bravo. I should have read your pressing sooner and them I could have been soo much further up in the comment stakes. Shucks.
I have reGected my job recently too, and normality in general, so will be reading your other posts shortly. Thanks fool! (Has there ever been an A-Team musical? Hmm…)
An A-Team musical would be something to see. Could be a hit!
I live this. I am just finishing my MFA in screenwriting and I get the same kinds of questions. Like I’m going to be the next M. Night Shyamalan.
this is hilarious :’)
♥ LOVE ♥
Amazing post . Extremely funny
I am eager to learn to play the drama.
Made me feel like I should write a play, I find long, descriptive essays quite a bore and annoying. However, thats just me, I am lazy and have the attention span of a gold fish. Brilliant post though 🙂
Maybe you should consider writing a musical entitled, “Snark!” I can’t imagine anyone better as the writer. A refreshingly snarky and smart-pants post. It made my morning! Thank you.
very nice blog..
What a great idea! I’m also an out-of-work writer and so I think I’ll sit down right now and get to work writing my own musical. I can write out of my own experiences, which is, right now, being a stay-at-home newlywed wide. Sound interesting enough? I’m already blogging about it, so that’s a good start, right? It could be about waiting for my husband to get home from work…fascinating!
that’s pretty funny. Reminds me of the Honeymooners when Alice says looking out the window is Wonder Land and the old gas stove is Adventure Land. or something like that. Of course, she can always go “to the moon……” ha, there’s a title for a satire, or serious novel, Alice on the Moon. Oh, it’;s been done, the Diary of a Mad Housewife, darn.
Loved it! As an artist and writer – with degrees to match, I keep my fingers crossed for the “big break.” still waiting….and waiting….and…well….you get the point. So I sell my soul to the cheap, copywriting, fluffer-nutter to maintain my peanut butter-and-jelly income. Here’s to liberal arts!
nice post
Anyone else suddenly feel like watching The Producers after that very amusing blog post?
Hehe. Great post. But, I have to admit, musicals are one of my main sources of happiness.
cool!!! i also remembered me writing a short story when i was still young… so really hard. thank you for the tips! ill keep them in mind!! c”,)
http://travelersdiningdepot.wordpress.com/2010/07/03/on-the-karts/
You forgot to put an Independence Day poster in there! I personally would love to see a musical that included aliens dancing to a song entitled, “You Earthlings Are of Low IQ and So We’re Going to Destroy You.”
I needed that laugh. I especially loved the John Jacobson video. Hilarious! Woo…wiping tears away.
Hi there! I actually do write musicals … and I must admit there’s a hell of a lot of truth to what you’ve got here! *grins* … don’t worry, I haven’t missed the sarcasm or wit! 😉 Just wanted to say that I loved your post too. 🙂 I totally believe that anything can be made into a musical (hell, even Steven King’s “Carrie” was … a crap one, but a Broadway musical nonetheless!) … but I agree with a lot of the bloggers above – maybe you should make what you’ve written into a musical!!! (Don’t worry, I won’t take your idea … LOL) Cheers and keep up the great work!
BFA = can you paint my dog/cat/ferret
can you do me, ummm….naked…
Crying in the gutter right along with you
You also need a very handsome man who tries to be manly and straight but always ends up being gay and having a terrible drug habbit.
Double dream hands.
Yes it is rather interesting to see the all the comments about Broadway. So what can we learn from this?
That Broadway no longer offer shows with substance it was known for. OH THE DREAM OF BEING ON THE BIG WHITE WAY!!!
That there is no longer substance, it is all cheesey stuff and we are supposed to be impressed? And have the privledge to pay through the nose for an orchestra seat?!
The one show that was certainly worthy of great accolades is LES MISERABLES and for good drama/theatre was Amadeus. (In my humble opinion) – and even today when it makes a comeback for limited engagements, they are sold out shows.
I remember the day I finally saw through all the HYPE of Broadway was when i watched Rosie o’ Donnel show and she “HIGHLY” recommended to see TITANIC and “OH THE MUSIC, OH THE MUSIC” was suppossedly so fantastic.
Well it must have been one of the worst shows I have ever seen, the stage production was pathetic, with a big replica of a ship and the only times the scene changed was gangplanks being moved from center, side, left, right , center and over – ugh- and repeat.
Then came the “MUSIC” = “What is your course? going down an octave
45 degrees South, in a slightly more mellowed tone
45 degrees , 45 degrees South is the way to gooooooooo – in a much lower octave
That;s good Thats good – that is the way to goooooooooo
Chorus: in a slightly higher pitched and feverish tone”” 45 degrees South, 45 degrees south is the way to goooo – to goooo – TOOOO GOOOOOOoooo
UGH!! and the audience erupts in applause!!!
Captain!! Captain!! I see an iceberg – I see an iceberg
Captain: ‘ F*&^%$#$# the iceberg, you keep your course 45 degrees SOOOUUUUTTTH!!
Full speed ahead, full speed ahead!!
Chorus: in a slightly higher pitched and feverish tone”” 45 degrees South, 45 degrees south is the way to goooo – to goooo – TOOOO GOOOOOOoooo – you stay on course – you stay on course!
Then slow and then slower : Full speed ahead…… full speed ahead…… full speed ahead (voices trailing of on the inevitable impeding disaster)
And the audience in a hushed silence as we all knew what was coming… UGH is all I can say.
Really? Really??? Are you kidding me? It must be me! I am clearly missing something here!!!
So it has bee a long time that I have been a skeptic, and when I see ANYTHING THAT HAS WON A TONY!!!! I STAY WELL CLEAR OF IT – UNLESS I CAN GET TO SEE IT FOR $20.00, and only then will I (might I) use my very valuable time to go and sit through a performance.
So all you budding playwrights out there, better make sure you are working on something of real substance or sooooo cheesy that people will just have to see it to get a good laugh!!
absolutely hilarious…from someone who used a BFA to dress up like a cat and sing a dead dude’s poetry.
As most have already said: this was greatly amusing. I think I’m going to use the dartboard technique when I go to plan out my novels. I’ll put up different plot ideas and characters, color code the darts, play a round with my dad, and there’s the outline for my novel. Boom. Done.
WOW ! Whatta bunch of pathetic, underachieving losers, you MFA’s ! Ha ! *MY* very-useful-all-my-life degree was in … drum roll please … English LITERATURE ! with minors in … French … and Art History ! All of which led to a most-fulfilling (um, NOT) “career” in social work (you read that right folks) which was NOT in the least lucrative and from which I was mercifully laid off last year, leading to my 2-year-early retirement at the ripe, old age of 63.
But, please don’t be jealous ! I’ve now morphed into a Riter (something I shoulda done instead, even though I’d still be in the poorhouse now) and I’m lovin’ it ! And Broadway, my man ! Oh yeah, I do so love it ! Cut my teeth on many of the, um, older shows, then did lots of theater in kolledge.
Don”t despair too much 🙂 You’ll get there, I promise you ! But, please don’t do AIda, the Musical ! It must be La Traviata, the Musical, or nothing ! And hire that opera singer who replied ! I’ll help ya with the lyrics !!
When you’re done answering all 1,291,356 posts, check out my non-musical blog: http://cwc6161.wordpress.com/about/
Candice (who is, at 63, available, in case anyone wants to either write a musical about her or, if he’s wealthy, make her an interesting proposition….)
Soooooooo, when’re you gonna write a Big Broadway Musical ?
uh…. you talkin’ to me or the MFA guy ???
Ha! Love this! There are some pretty good musicals out there, but there are also way too many that are just built around a premise that really should not be told through song. There must be something in the air lately. I’ve just done a post in a similarly sarcastic vein about how to write a pop song.
Very, very funny. I have studied all parts of this lesson plan and I’m eager to get started. I wonder, does it have to be a movie? Would I have a chance if I based my musical a little-known Canadian tv show? Being from Saskatchewan, I’m thinking of Corner Gas. The double dream hands would suit the story so well, and there’s all that prairie space for the cast to dance across.
Stumbled across this… glad I did. Dying from laughter and truth in this post. Just finished writing a children stage play and wish I’d found your blog sooner.
SOOOOO Nice
Who knows…in the midst of that six pack & lampshade you may find the next Broadway hit. Or the next YouTube hit. If it’s as funny as this post you have my thirty dollars Or what ever the current going price for tickets happens to be.
B.F.
Nice tips. Like it
You *are* going to write that Predator broadway musical, right?
“Get to the chopper! Get to the CHOPPER!
Oh my god you are an ugly motherfucker!”
By the way, did you ever see this awesome clip? It’s Conan, the musical!
I needed that laugh. I especially loved the John Jacobson video. Hilarious! Woo…wiping tears away.
I needed that laugh. I especially loved the John Jacobson video. Hilarious! Woo…wiping tears away.
Woaw.. Jurassic Park as a musical O.O you HAVE to make a musical out of that! It’ll be the musical of the year! I can already see a scene where the Raptorsaurus runs after it’s prey and starts tapdancing out of joy while the people sings a strangely happy song about how stupid they were to go there:
“Oh, how stupid it was to come here!
Oh, why did we not read the sign?! (on the outside)
We should have seen that we will end up as petfooooooooooood!
AAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH! “
So. Much. Sarcasm. Dx
Brilliant post, though!
And Jews? Don’t you have to have Jews? At least, that’s what Monty Python said.
I loved this post! I love musicals, lol, the cheesier the better. I happen to think that ‘Legally Blonde:The Musical’ was actually pretty good :P. But there are some….I don’t know. Let’s write a musical about going to college! My university did ‘College: The Musical’ last year. I didn’t see it, so I have no real opinion, but I can only imagine.
This was a great post. Congrats on Freshly Pressed, and I’m going to watch that video now.
Haha… that sure is one way to write a broadway hit… LoL… anyway… i think we need to born with you and also lucky enough like you… LoL
Love it. Reminds me of a certain hit song which put together two musical cliches, combined them and then used one word in the lyrics. The music even reflected the word in a blastingly obvious way. It was called ‘Down Down Down’. I think. No lawyers to issue writs about accusations of plagiarism.
What’s truly sad is I know an embarrassing number of people who don’t believe me when I tell them there are other kinds of plays on Broadway besides musicals. *shakes head* Great post!
so true.
This substance is very funny! Hmmm, sounds like a good idea Podcast – “Broadway Podcast”? So everybody can download it and wear their Broadway with them.
http://www.funzpop.blogspot.com
That guy in the video made my day. Really cool entry!
I would pay big bucks to see “The Human Centipede: The Musical”… any ideas?
Loved it! Entertaining and Educational. Thank you
Your music for The Happening! (I imagine it with a ! – very musical) is going to play in my head for days…
[…] Theater people and writer people alike will get a kick out of this. Also, people who are a little bit jaded, yet funny. And not annoying. A.G. at Regected Riter’s How To Write A Broadway Hit. […]
Hahah love the section about the expository dialogue!
I was planning on writing a musical about the holocaust, but was stuck for a happy ending…
This is awesome! Thank you!
You hit me right in the gut with that diploma. “It’s funny cuz it’s true.”
Thank you for your confirmation that I will never, ever be able to make a living.
signed,
A Hopeless English Major
I played Olive Madison in the female version of the Odd Couple. That was fun. After doing musicals for so many years, it was refreshing to do something without music every 5 minutes that made people lol.
Caio
Uh. I’m currently writing Jaws! The Musical! I’m using Garage Band. It’s gonna run forever. On my blog, at least 😉
Loved this post. And the diplomas are gorgeous.
Can’t wait to see your stuff on the Broadway.
[…] saw a funny post recently about writing a Broadway hit by rehashing old classic movies, and it totally reminded me of this clip I saw once of Conan the Musical. It’s […]
I live in Chicago and get asked a similar question: “When are you moving to LA?” I’d usually explain my plan of getting experience in Chicago and the listener would act like it was an excuse. Now I say, “When someone will pay me enough to move out there.”
Very funny blog.
Great post! It surely placed a smile on my face. And the comments were hilarious too. 🙂
This is an interesting topic that you bring up. Continue sharing, i might be back for more! 🙂
Terrence J. White / My Joy In The Morning
love this!
AG,
I have been working on an Amish musical based on either “Witness” or “For Richer or Poorer”, I haven’t decided yet. Since I’m (not)Amish, I’m humble but not too subtle so…
Would you please discover me? I’ve posted a couple song ideas already. Together, I think we could pull it off!
Sincerely,
not Atlee Weaver
[…] https://regectedriter.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/how-to-write-a-broadway-hit/ […]
Double Dream hands!! Butterfly!!!
That is all. I will be using this guide ad nauseum for my new production, Donnie Darko- The Musical.
“Where’s the bunny man?? There’s the bunny man!! He follows me about- OMG he’s got one eyeeeee!”
Good opening number? Yes? No?
LOL. 🙂 We actually had a queen musical in my hometown. 🙂 It was in last year. LOL.
Fun stuff. Love the “double dream hand”. What, I am afraid to ask, is a single dream hand? It took me several minutes to scroll down here to leave a comment. Almost time for your catchy Broadway tune to run through my head. I think you have a winner here! Good luck—-oops! I mean, break a leg!!!
Oh, now you’ve done it!
Love it!
I didn’t read all your comments but I think you should write a Broadway Musical about a misfit girl using all LADY GAGA songs. That would sell out EVERYTIME. I’m serious.
I know absolutely nothing about Broadway plays – but that was some Funny stuff! When I clicked on the video for the dancer – I almost choked from laughing. Funny, Funny stuff.
How did I not know about “Double Dream Hands” before this? I’m actually trying to learn it at my desk.
Also, your post was very spot on. I say this as someone who graduated with a degree in “Creative Writing.”
I always knew I could write a musical!
This post just proved to me that I can!
THANKS!
i also know how to use the refresh button real well…
You have put together a brilliant recipe for mediocre success. Because after all, as you so eloquently said, it’s all about the money, err… joy.
Here in Londinium, we are sea deep in jazz hand musicals based on pop groups/films/TV shows (delete as inappropriate). Mama Mia! Do you think I have a Ghost ‘s chance of creating a Sister Act, based on your tips? Really? Wicked!
By the way, I’d love to see Predator as a musical. All that blood and gore, plus a big guy with a thick Austrian accent. That should get the audience rocking in the aisles…
[…] How to Write a Broadway Hit Regected RiterFollow Writing […]
I LOL’ed, all over myself
I’m trying to write a musical all about my life! I have one of the songs already written! I wonder if it’ll ever make it to broadway?