Movies I Regect

I’m a last minute participant in the Worst Movies Ever blogfest, but better late than never, as the White Rabbit would say if he were an optimist!

You know what pisses me off?  That bad movies get made.  Not just sometimes but often. Madd often.  Why the BLEEP didn’t these people get BLEEPING rejection letters?! Can somebody answer me that?!

Money.

Well, here’s my open letter of rejection, regecting those movies that made me go R U FOR SERIOUS and yet give me a glimmer of hope that if absolute garbage can get made, maybe I, too, will one day shine on the big screen.

Probably not, though.

SPOILER WARNING: Some plot points WILL BE REVEALED! Read at your own risk, stay out of the water, etc!

Also, just want to reiterate that this is just in good fun, no intention to offend or anything; I like many a movie others would gag at, that’s the beauty of diverse opinion.

And in my diverse opinion, these movies are crap.

Anywho, my nominees are:

1. Anger Management

The movie poster I did not doctor in any way, shape or form says it all!

Fine, I doctored it a little bit.

First of all, this movie makes me want to kick a tree. Because it stresses me out. If you’ve seen the movie, you know why.  If you haven’t, please just read a book.
(Don’t worry, I didn’t kick the tree.  Because afterwards I would be overcome with feelings of guilt and buy the tree whatever it wanted.  And also, my foot would hurt.)

Second of all, it’s too long.  I started watching it when I was in HS and JUST finished it last week.  Okay, that didn’t happen, but after I watched it I felt like Robin Williams and Bonnie Hunt from Jumangi when they had to go back to being kids after living a lifetime as adults.  Know what I’m talking about? Good.  Don’t? Watch that movie immediately.

Seriously, what are you waiting for?

Thirdly, just because you’re Jack Nicholson doesnt mean you’re immune to making a bad movie. It happens, especially if the writing is bad.

THE WRITING IS BAD.

Redeeming Factor:

The End.  No really, it had a cute ending that if it wasn’t a million hours I might’ve appreciated. Maybe.

2. The Happening aka Any of its working titles,

Is this Really Happening?
Why Are We Making This Happening?
Does Anyone Know What is Happening?
She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Mountain Oh Really When is that Happening?

Things I wanted to say to M. Night Shamalamadingdong as this movie was Happening:

Really?
Seriously?
No.
Why?

Reedeeming Factor:

Drinking game. Done.  Literally, every time somebody says Happening, take a shot.  Every time Zoey Deschenal and Mark Whalberg look wide eyed into the distance, take a shot.  You’re welcome.

3. The Human Centipede

Or, as I like to call it, Someone’s Working Through Some Issues.

Seriously, it’s disgusting.

Not only is it disgusting, which is essentially what it was made to be, but it has weak characters, a shallow plot and absolutely no redeeming value.

Not only is it disgusting, has weak characters a shallow plot and no redeeming value, but it smothers puppies and eats dreams like they’re licorice candies.

Someone’s gotta get a therapist on speed dial.

Reedeming Factor:

Any movie that smothers puppies should be sent away to the place in Eternal Sunshine where they erase minds and stuff so that it never exists.

4. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, or as I like to call it, You couldn’t come up with something better than aliens and nazis?

Did anybody else watch this movie going WHY!

And also, the special effects? Not so special.

And also, Shia Lahoweveryouspellhisname? Not that great.

And also, really? Really.

And was it just me, or were we missing an actual Kingdom? I think we were. I think we just arbitrarily threw a word into the title to make it have a couple of extra syllables.   But I don’t know, I was too busy crying into my popcorn, mourning the loss of a great trilogy due to the birth of this bastard son.

Redeeming Factor:

Karen Allen.  She was all adorable and “Yeah, I’m doing this movie, what’s it to you?” Love her.

5. The Lovely Bones

It was SO GOOD until Mark Whalberg came on screen.  I also have a prejudice against Mark Whalberg, but especially when he’s got his acting face on.

Observe it.

Redeeming Factor:

I thought the beginning of the movie was great. Oh and STANLEY TUCCI IS A BOSS! But only acting, not that character.  That character is the opposite of a boss.  He’s a Gross.

6. Mr. Deeds

Did anybody actually watch Mr. Deeds besides me and Adam Sandler’s mom?

Redeeming factor:

The commercials were funny.  That’s how they got me.

7. Rent

Chris Columbus DESTROYED this.  Seriously, it’s a freakin musical, nobody wants to listen to DIALOGUE THAT RHYMES.  It’s awkward and WEIRD.  Adam Pascal wouldn’t just walk around rhyming like he’s freaking the Cat in the Hat, he’d rock OUT!  Like they’re supposed to do!

Because its a musical, nobody’s going to go to the musical and say,
Hey, Tom, isn’t it weird how all of these people are singing instead of speaking?
Yeah, Bob, I was just wondering why they weren’t speaking in rhyme.

ARRRRRGH THIS MOVIE MAKES ME NEED TO SIT IN A DARK ROOM, PUT ON MY SUNGLASSES AND LISTEN TO SLAM POETRY

Redeeming Factor:

If only.

8. Winter’s Bone: A Title Too Good for “The”.

This movie is great.  There are lots of long establishing shots that establish boredom and realistic sounds of boots crunching gravel.  You want to see a girl get beat up? You’ll have MULTIPLE chances to in this film!

It takes place over the course three hours of your life you’ll never get back.  It’s about a girl who needs to saw off her father’s dead hands in order for her and her family to keep their shack.  SPOILER ALERT she does it!

Favorite line? “Come on, hun, you gotta do the other one, they’ll say you stole the one from a corpse”. Flawed logic? Just a bit

Redeeming Factor:

The End.  Seriously, never been happier to see end credits roll.

Well, I’m exhausted.  And I wrote this in a little bit of a rush so as to publish this before midnight (WIN!), so I apologize for the messiness, but I will edit it tomorrow. And then this statement will magically disappear.

Good night, folks!
ROLL CREDITS

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27 comments on “Movies I Regect

  1. Mara says:

    When the day gets worser your posts get funnier. I wanna learn to scribble my sarcastic thoughts on everything.

  2. Marcie says:

    You didn’t mess up the story lines for me but you saved me from a few bad movies. This was good!

  3. fi8shducky says:

    I would like to add CONTAGION to your list. I realize germs are not going to wear masks & capes & wield teeny tiny swords but they could have made it a LITTLE more exciting! BORRRIINNGGG!

  4. fishducky says:

    Sorry for the typo. There’s no “I” in team & there’s no “8” in fishducky.

  5. As usual hilariously funny! You ought to do a movie critic review. I’d certainly read it. Thanks again for morning laugh, UK time.

  6. Isis Rushdan says:

    Awesome list. I hated the last Indiana Jones, but there’s no way my hubs would’ve let me put it on the list without giving me a hard time (forever) about it (and forever is a long time). The plot was terrible.

    I wondered why Winter’s Bone won awards, too. It was soooooo lonnnnnggggggg.

    The way you feel about Mark Whalberg is the way I feel about Ryan Reynolds. RR is exactly the same in every movie regardless of the character.

  7. I’d like to thank you for the morning chuckle too. I love movies – my background is in acting. But I love movie criticism too when done by someone that cares enough to be creative about it. Great examples!

  8. you’re so funny 🙂 I saw a few of these. I did watch the Human Centipede… it was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.

    I raised four kids, so I have seen some pretty foul stuff.

    I like Mark Wahlberg as an actor… am definitely going to keep an eye out for “the face.”
    Adam Sandler not so much…

    I wasn’t sure if I had seen Winter’s Bone until you mentioned the hand sawing… I did see it.

    it’s so weird… I used to watch movies just to watch movies, But everything I watch these days comes with me really paying attention to the writing…

    Have a great day, AG!

  9. Ciara Knight says:

    I’m so glad you had the last Indiana Jones movie listed. Who thought making that movie was a good idea should be band from the industry. I mean, really? 🙂

  10. Crystal says:

    *snort* Your snark is hilarious. That is all.

  11. Joshua says:

    I didn’t mind MR DEEDS. It wasn’t any sort of masterpiece, but it wasn’t terrible. I was terribly let down by THE HAPPENING, and had higher expectations for RENT. Otherwise, you hit the nail on the head with these.

  12. Elise Andrews says:

    Funniest. Reviews. Ever. Seriously! I logon every morning wondering what you’re going to write next…. you da man.

  13. Brinda says:

    I would watch any movie with Mark Wahlberg. Who needs a plot? And tell Isis that I place Ryan Reynolds in the same category. Wait. I take it back. I would NOT watch Marky Mark or Ryan in a movie involving sawing off body parts or sewing multiple bodies together.

  14. julie f says:

    This is awesome, and I completely agree with every bit of it, except maybe the intense prejudice against Marky Mark because he had great abs, feathered hair, and took a movie in which his name was Dirk Diggler very seriously. Although he did kill that dog in Fear, so maybe I should hate Marky Mark. And I didn’t see Winterbone, but now I need to, because corpse hands are totally part of the season right now.

    And btw, sarcasm is anger’s evil cousin. And I want to invite them both to dinner. I love your blog, it makes me giggle.

  15. Adeel Salman says:

    YoU aRe One oF tHe bEsT WRITERS i hAvE knOWn 🙂

  16. Elisa says:

    I agree about the latest Indian Jones. I was sooo bummed about the aliens.

  17. I haven’t seen any of these movies. Does that make me very smart, or is it just that I don’t watch as much stuff as I thought I did?

  18. Kelly Gamble says:

    You are so funny! I don’t watch Mark Wahlberg movies for a plot or character development. I watch so I can gawk at his body. I have an entire list of male actors that are fine, until they open their mouths.

  19. MPLanglinais says:

    I agree with “The Happening” and “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Uck to both of those. Oh, but that reminds me that I should have had “Lady in the Water” on the list on my site . . . Or as my hubby calls it, “Ron Howard’s Daughter Is in My Pool.”

  20. LOVE LOVE LOVE! I think I’ve had the same conversations with my spouse about almost every one of these movies (I can’t bring myself to watch The Human Centipede…ugh). The Happening was the only movie I’ve ever been to where the audience was yelling insults at the screen. Rotten banana peels may have been thrown.

    As for Kingdom of The Crystal Skull….thank you. There was no kingdom, just a lot of disjointed “plot” lines and Shia throwing around some “Daddios”. WTH? I too was broken, for I loved the trilogy…

  21. That was hilarious! We have a few of the same movies on our lists. The Human Centipede was, yeah, ug. I couldn’t even watch all the way through Winter’s Bone. Someone needed to throw that movie a bone!

  22. AG says:

    Mara – Thank you, you make me laugh like whoa always!

    Marcie – Thank you so much!

    FishDucky – You definitely made me laugh with your comments – there definitely is no 8 in FishDucky, but there is even more definitely an awesome.

    Richard – Glad I can give you a chuckle! Thanks so much, so happy you’re reading and enjoying

    Isis – I’m glad we agree but not at all surprised for Great Minds think alike…though I’m a little surprise because you’re mind is definitely greater than mine.

    Dean – Thanks, man, glad I can give you some laughs!

    Darlene – Your comment made me laugh so hard, especially your comments on Human Centipede. And yes, definitely watch out for that face…

    Ciara – I know, right?! Thanks for the comment!

    Crystal – I adore your writing and this comment =D

    Joshua – Definitely to each his own, but glad we can agree on some movies. Thanks for the comment!

    Elise – You’re so sweet! Thanks so much, your comments always make my day =D

    Brinda – You’re so funny. I guess I somehow don’t see the appeal in Marky as others do…thanks for the comment!

    Julie – You made me laugh soooo much with that comment, so I thank YOU for that

    Adeel – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAW THANK YOU!

    Elisa – Right? There’s a time for aliens and that was not the time.

    Sarah – Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Aka, You’re so lucky.

    Kelly – You’re so funny! And I’d love to read that list!

    Pepper – HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG I laughed so so so hard at that comment. THANK YOU!

    Paige – Even your comments are a work of art. For serious, how are you so frickin’ funny? Thank you so much!

    Christine – I KNOW RIGHT?! Human Centipede…the worst part about is it you can’t even call it crap…too many jokes. Thanks!

  23. melynda says:

    lol Nice. I had the same reaction to most of these movies just not as verbal about it. It may have something to do with the fact that after watching them I felt my intelligence level drop below the IQ of a monkey. Don’t tell the monkey I wouldn’t want it to feel superior. It’s all I have left right now. Superiority.

  24. Liz says:

    Of the ones I’ve seen, I completely agree. As for the others, thank you for sparing me. Life is too short to waste on bad movies.

  25. Maria Z says:

    uhmazing. wery insitefull.. eye vonder y ur uh regected riter ven eu kan rite so jood!! 😀

  26. DL Fields says:

    Funny you should mention “The Human Centipede.” My husband took two days from my life to explain the plot and the movie’s production values. When he droned on that there was going to be a trilogy of “Human,” my brain melted.

    I saw “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” and agree, some points were weak. Like Shia what’s his name, I’d been happy to do without him, except it did make Indy a dad and give the audience to see Marion again. Seriously, she gets cuter with every year!

    Saw bits and pieces of Mr. Deeds. I agree, it’s a weak film. I think I laughed once.

    Never heard of the other films, maybe I’m better off.

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