Interview with a Dead Playwright: William Shakespeare

Day Two of Regected Halloween Week!

I love a good theme.

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite Halloween Creature HERE to help me decide what to be for Halloween.

If you’re AWESOME and voted, you’ll notice that the option of Ghost is missing.  That is because it’s officially the first LOSER, which also means it’s my first costume:

Freakin’ terrifying, I know.

So people don’t like ghosts.  Shocking.  Well that means I won’t be a ghost for Halloween – so what will I be?!  Only you can decide.

Speaking of ghosts and a segway as smooth as butter,

It’s time for my latest Brain Wave – Interviews with Dead Playwrights, because the live ones won’t talk to me !  Using the newest and latest and most expensive technology of Beer and Imagination, I sat down with the Ghost of the Bard himself, Mr. William Shakespeare!

AG: Seriously? You knew this was the Halloween week and you couldn’t even put on a costume?

Bill: You look ridiculous

AG: Yeah, says the man with the frilly collar.  Seriously, clown much?

Billy Shakes:  Don’t do that to me. Do you know who I am?

AG: Uh yah, do you know who I am?

Billy Shakes: No

AG: Fair enough. Can I offer you some black licorice or candy corn?

Shakes: Sure, I love black licorice and that candy corn is amusing in shape and texture.

AG: You really don’t read this blog, do you?

Shakes: I’m WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

AG: Fine, fine. So Will,

Will: You may call me The Bard

AG: ….So Will, What made you decide to be a playwright?

Mister S: I couldn’t do anything else -

AG: AH YES! Being a playwright is a calling that surpasses all others, leaving you void of breath and full of words

Bill:  No really, I tried acting and I sucked so I wrote plays instead.  And then I got rich.

AG: You made money being a writer?

Shake Yo Mama: No, I made money being a Playwright.  And from writing the Sonnets. The Queen Looooved My Sonnets

Shakes: Yeah she did

AG: ….

The Bard: Put it in a metaphor, baby!

AG: …Too much candy corn?

Shakes: Too much candy corn

AG: All right, well, the real reason I asked you to be a part of this series is because you have a new movie coming out

Peare: Ugh, don’t remind me.

AG: And everybody wants to know-

Shakespeare: Listen. I probably wrote those plays, all right? I may or may not have put my blood, sweat and tears into each lingering word, which I  or somebody else probably  wrote by hand and with ink.

AG: What are you talking about? I wanted to know how it was working with Vanessa Redgrave

Shakespeare: You really focus on the wrong things, you know that?

AG: Oh, look, a butterfly!

Shakespeare: All right, I’m leaving

AG: NO WAIT! Can you give my readers some advice on Regection?

Shakespeare: You know you’re spelling it wrong

AG: We spell it like this around here.  It’s a whole thing. Please read my blog, William Shakespeare.

ShakeyShakes: Well, all I can say is Keep writing.  Because one day they’ll make a movie about you claiming another writer wrote all of your plays and it will all be worth it.

AG: WELL, that’s inspirational

Free Willie: Thanks.

AG: Do you have anything else to share?

Shakespeare: Just keep writing.  Never stop the words from flowing. And ah heck,

AG: What are you supposed to be?

Shakes: I’m Zorro.

AG: Yeah but why the hat?

William: Yeah but why the sheet you little -

 

How to Write a Broadway Hit

A lot of people come up to me and say,

Hey AG. You’re a playwright.

And I say,

That’s the rumor my MFA tells me, anyway!

And they say,

Wow. You paid money for that?

SURE DID! A BUTTLOAD completely reasonable amount of money.  It was totally not COMPLETELY not worth it.

And then they ask my favorite question!:

So when are you gonna be on the Broadway?
When am I gonna get to see you on the Broadway with the lights and songs and music?
When are you gonna write a Big Broadway Musical ?

And I say I am SO GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION!  Being a playwright does automatically mean I write musicals! Thank you for assuming!

And then they ask why I’m talking so loud, wearing my graduation hat and crying into my diploma in a gutter on 42nd street.

THE POINT IS,
I know how to write a Broadway musical. I do.  And if you ever wanted to write a successful Broadway musical but just didn’t know how to get started, well, thank your lucky Google, this is the guide for you!

Not convinced you want to write a successful musical?  WHAT! Let me bullet you some points:

• Musicals make youmoneyr toes tap and your soul itch!
• Watching the joy on people’s faces will make youmoneyr heart fill with joy
• And I know this might come as a shock, but musicals are the only way you can turn a profit, or even stay open for more than three months at a time on Broadway. But don’t let that motivate you! Do it for the money joy.

What you’ll need:

A dartboard and some darts
Working knowledge of songs
Youtube

Step 1 – Choosing a Topic

There is so much inspiration, all around us at all times.  The possibilities are INFINITE!

But you want to write a successful show so what you gotta do is get a dartboard and some darts and some movie posters.

Step 1a: Glue movie posters onto dartboard
Step1b: Throw dart
Step1c: You gonna turn that sucker into a big ol’ time Broadway musical!

For anyone interested, Yes, Bonnie and Clyde the musical opens November 4 and Ghost the Musical is coming in Spring of 2012.

These are some movies I am excited to watch get butchered for the Broadway stage:

Predator
Jurassic Park
Jaws
The Happening

Well, dibs on The Happening, you guys. I’ve already written like half of a song:

Do you know?
I don’t know!
What is happening now?
Do you know?
I don’t know
I think I’ll kill myself now
BUT WHY
We don’t know
WE DON’T KNOW!
I guess I’ll kill myself now
Is it the trees?
NO it’s the breeze!
Or a combo of the two!
Oh I don’t know
What the hell is
Happening NOW
I’ll think I’ll jump off this rooooooof!

Step 2 – Write some songs

Now you’re going to have to figure out how to get some original songs for your musical.

Don’t just be lazy and grab an album off the shelf, like ABBA or Frankie Valley and the Four Seasons, those have already been done be original.  Search Youtube for songs you’ve NEVER heard of before that you can smash and twist into a plotline for your original, one of a kind successful Broadway show.

Here are some suggestions:
Billy Joel
GreenDay
The Who
Meatloaf
Journey
Frank Sinatra
Queen
U2
The Shirelles
Judy Garland
Bon Jovi
The BeeGees
Rod Steward
Bob Dylan
The Beatles
The Andrew Sisters
Poisen
Artetha Franklin
Barbara Streisand

Well, I’m sure you’ll come up with something.

Step 3 – Add Some Dancing!

Ain’t a musical without fancy footwork!

I suggest this guy:

Step 4 – Don’t Forget the Necessary Expository Dialogue!

You know the type I’m talking about. It goes like this:

Clyde: Did you know this thing that happened in the movie?
Bonnie: No, but I know this other thing
King Kong: That’s good because now the audience knows both those things, catch phrase!
The Little Mermaid: This sentence displays a character flaw!
Mary Poppins: This setence is a retaliation that portrays conflict with said character flaw but also demonstrates that we are meant to be together
All: H a h a h a h a laughter
Mike Tyson: Plot point?
Guy from The Hangover: Plot point.
Glinda: Conflict?
Alien: Resolution!
All: Aaaaaw h a h a h a h a laughter QUICK LET’S SING!

Good thing is, you just gotta slap a couple of those sentences together, ’cause it’s a musical and we gotta get to the mediocre music ASAP!

Step 5 – A Rip Roaring Foot Stomping Carpet Raising Closing Number

Basically you want your audience to say this:

Tourist 1 : What was that musical about?
Tourist 2 : I don’t even care, Imma jiiiive outta here

And then they jive outta there.

Well, students, you have now surpassed the Master.  I can call myself a Master because of the Degree. Let’s see that again:

It’s just so pretty.

Anywho, I hope I get a thank you in the Tony Acceptance speech.  I’ll be at home, working my way through a 6 pack with a lampshade on my head.

I won’t be wearing pants.

What My Dad Taught Me About Regection

Today’s my Dad’s birthday! He’s multiple years old.

My Dad is awesome.  Here’s a picture:

You can automatically tell he’s awesome because he has an awesome mustache.

But there are other reasons, too.

Every time I receive a rejection letter, I tell my dad.  The conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: Well, got another rejection

Dad: What for

Me: The ten minute one act play festival fellowship contest that I kinda sorta really wanted.

Dad: Good

Me: IT SUCKS AND I’M GOING TO GIVE UP AND BECOME A JANITOR

Dad: Don’t do that

Me: Fine.

Dad: What you gotta do is find a place for all those rejection letters and put them somewhere special.

So, after about 20 conversations like that, I made a special little  rejection folder in my e-mail that would get fuller and fuller by the day. I would contemplate deleting all of them in one fit of electronic rage, but would always decide against it at the last minute because of Daddy’s words in my ears, telling me to save them and put them somewhere special.

SO, I decided to keep them on a blog.

And it’s all because of my Dad.

Happy birthday, Daddy!  Thank you for making me realize failure is not being told no, it’s when you stop trying.

#12

Hi AG,

Thank you for submitting your play, It’s Nice That You Try, to the We Eat Dreams for Breakfast festival this year. We received SO many submissions, we had to barricade ourselves in the office for 36 months to sort through some really fantastic entries.

It was just a mountain of pages and words.
A mountain.

Selecting the final 6 scripts for production was madd difficult, but after many sleepless nights, a couple hundred break downs and some involuntary reenactments of Lord of the Flies, we have whittled that massive pile down by arbitrarily grabbing 6 and arrived at our final program.

The final plays are:

A Teardrop At the Edge of Two Days From Now by Mel-Anne Koli
When a man loses his umbrella on a subway, it’s really a metaphor for losing his soul to a giant cooperation, and also death.  Sadness abounds in this play.  Bring a tissue.  You’ll only need one, it’s not that sad.

Actors are Different from Normal Folk by Irmma Actoorre
A former famous actor has a present not as famous actor son and he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t act to get money and ruins his love and DAD LOVE ME DAD PLEASE LOVE ME!

Play with the Panda by Izzaz Badazit Zoundz
Street thugs snatch a cello as a an Upper West Side couple contemplates the future.

Word by Al Readie-Famous
This guy is famous so we’re just happy he sent in a play.  No really, it can be ten minutes of a man banging on an out of tune tambourine, reciting a list of salted meats alphabetically and backwards while flowers and butterscotch candies fall from the sky, we’re doing this play.
WERE DOING THIS PLAY.

An Emotion by Yuleneva B. Hapi
Life sux so I wrote a play about.

A Monologue of Epic Proportions by BA-BA-BA-BAM!
This is the tightest monologue ever written, all!  You are gonna be blown away by the one person talking for like TEN FULL MINUTES all about things!  And not only things, but different things! And a lot of them! There will be POLITICAL JOKES and SEXIST HUMOR and RACIST COMMENTS and then FIREWORKS!
THIS IS WHAT THEATRE IS!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

$7 suggested donation at the door. 

#11

June 29, 2011

Dear AG,

Thank you for your application to the Obnoxiously Long Title of this Really Awesome Project Program  for 2011-2012. The selection process, like the lines by the free sample stations at Costco during lunch, was very competitive this year. We received over one application from writers, a record response to the open call given we advertised it everywhere you googled and our selection panel of drunks and convicts was not very impressed by the quality of the work under consideration.

We regret to inform you in this singular, lonely, singular sentence that your crappy application has not been selected for participation in the OLTRAPP.

We encourage everyone to consider reapplying because we get off on telling you no multiple times, but also the selection panel changes each session, so any future application you submit will have the chance to be considered a nuisance and poorly put together by a new group of bitter strangers.  Historically, in 1492 Columbus not only sailed the ocean blue, but many writers are selected after applying several times.  Several times and then fame happened.

Please note that even though you won’t care AT ALL, selected 2011-2012 participants will be announced on our website http://www.youfail.com in October 2011.

Please note that even though you’re feeling pretty crummy about yourself right now and are probably under the covers with your can of cheese whiz, you may be able to take advantage of the programs offered by our other exciting programs that don’t suit your overall needs and that you are not at all qualified for.

Finally, there are many organizations in New York City and beyond that support artists in various ways, all of which you have applied to and been rejected from. We in the business call that Making the Rounds.

We wish you the best of luck!

The Leader of OLTRAPP Who Apparently Has No Name, Like Oz; not as omniscient but just as douchey.