Have you voted for your favorite Halloween Creature yet? NO?! WHAT! Well, you can vote HERE to help me decide what to be for Halloween. Already voted? You can vote AGAIN. Technology, all!
You know what didn’t win?
I ain’t no vampire.
You know where vampires live? HBO Scary Movies.
Scary movies have definitely scared the crap out of me taught me a lot over the years. The following are some handy tips on
How to Survive a Scary Movie
Step 1 – Always Be Prepared
Listen. There’s no excuse to not know your common run of the mill monsters and how to combat them. Not only are there GAZILLIONS of movies, but there’s Google Books. Don’t know how to read? That’s all right, below are my very own cliffnotes.
You got:
Vampires? Stakes. Garlic apparently doesn’t work for the pretty vampires anymore.
Werewolves? Silver Bullets. You can buy some at your local PathMark.
Ghosts? Enlist the help of Haley Joel Osment from 1999
Zombies? Good luck.
Aliens? You’re screwed.
Mark Whalberg? RUN!!!!!!
Do your research. PLEASE
Step 2 – Stay Out of Trouble
Don’t go pissing any otherworldly creatures off.
This includes little old men and women who give you a stink eye at the grocery store when you reach over their head and take the last jar of pickles.
Just…just say you’re sorry. And then call an exorcist.
Step 3 – Don’t Be Stupid
If your TV is not broadcasting your regularly schedule programming, THROW IT OUT.
Giant shark in the ocean? SWIM IN THE POOL.
Drifter in the middle of the road? LEAVE HIM THERE! THAT CREEPY DRIFTER WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE.
Odd sounds coming from your basement? DON’T GO IN THE BASEMENT!
And, for the love of zombies,
People flying around the house and acting weird? GET. OUT OF. THE HOUSE!!!!!!
Well, there you have it. Your guide to surviving a scary movie; the cliffnotes. Stay tuned for the longer version.
SURE DID! A BUTTLOAD completely reasonable amount of money. It was totally not COMPLETELY not worth it.
And then they ask my favorite question!:
So when are you gonna be on the Broadway?
When am I gonna get to see you on the Broadway with the lights and songs and music?
When are you gonna write a Big Broadway Musical ?
And I say I am SO GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION! Being a playwright does automatically mean I write musicals! Thank you for assuming!
And then they ask why I’m talking so loud, wearing my graduation hat and crying into my diploma in a gutter on 42nd street.
THE POINT IS,
I know how to write a Broadway musical. I do. And if you ever wanted to write a successful Broadway musical but just didn’t know how to get started, well, thank your lucky Google, this is the guide for you!
Not convinced you want to write a successful musical? WHAT! Let me bullet you some points:
Musicals make youmoneyr toes tap and your soul itch!
Watching the joy on people’s faces will make youmoneyr heart fill with joy
And I know this might come as a shock, but musicals are the only way you can turn a profit, or even stay open for more than three months at a time on Broadway. But don’t let that motivate you! Do it for the money joy.
What you’ll need:
A dartboard and some darts
Working knowledge of songs
Youtube
Step 1 – Choosing a Topic
There is so much inspiration, all around us at all times. The possibilities are INFINITE!
But you want to write a successful show so what you gotta do is get a dartboard and some darts and some movie posters.
Step 1a: Glue movie posters onto dartboard
Step1b: Throw dart
Step1c: You gonna turn that sucker into a big ol’ time Broadway musical!
For anyone interested, Yes, Bonnie and Clyde the musical opens November 4 and Ghost the Musical is coming in Spring of 2012.
These are some movies I am excited to watch get butchered for the Broadway stage:
Predator
Jurassic Park
Jaws
The Happening
Well, dibs on The Happening, you guys. I’ve already written like half of a song:
Do you know?
I don’t know!
What is happening now?
Do you know?
I don’t know
I think I’ll kill myself now
BUT WHY
We don’t know
WE DON’T KNOW!
I guess I’ll kill myself now
Is it the trees?
NO it’s the breeze!
Or a combo of the two!
Oh I don’t know
What the hell is
Happening NOW
I’ll think I’ll jump off this rooooooof!
Step 2 – Write some songs
Now you’re going to have to figure out how to get some original songs for your musical.
Don’t just be lazy and grab an album off the shelf, like ABBA or Frankie Valley and the Four Seasons, those have already been done be original. Search Youtube for songs you’ve NEVER heard of before that you can smash and twist into a plotline for your original, one of a kind successful Broadway show.
Here are some suggestions: Billy Joel GreenDay The Who Meatloaf Journey
Frank Sinatra
Queen
U2 The Shirelles Judy Garland Bon Jovi The BeeGees Rod Steward Bob Dylan The Beatles The Andrew Sisters Poisen Artetha Franklin Barbara Streisand
Well, I’m sure you’ll come up with something.
Step 3 – Add Some Dancing!
Ain’t a musical without fancy footwork!
I suggest this guy:
Step 4 – Don’t Forget the Necessary Expository Dialogue!
You know the type I’m talking about. It goes like this:
Clyde: Did you know this thing that happened in the movie? Bonnie: No, but I know this other thing King Kong: That’s good because now the audience knows both those things, catch phrase! The Little Mermaid: This sentence displays a character flaw! Mary Poppins: This setence is a retaliation that portrays conflict with said character flaw but also demonstrates that we are meant to be together All: H a h a h a h a laughter Mike Tyson: Plot point? Guy from The Hangover: Plot point. Glinda: Conflict?
Alien: Resolution! All: Aaaaaw h a h a h a h a laughter QUICK LET’S SING!
Good thing is, you just gotta slap a couple of those sentences together, ’cause it’s a musical and we gotta get to the mediocre music ASAP!
Step 5 – A Rip Roaring Foot Stomping Carpet Raising Closing Number
Basically you want your audience to say this:
Tourist 1 : What was that musical about? Tourist 2 : I don’t even care, Imma jiiiive outta here
And then they jive outta there.
Well, students, you have now surpassed the Master. I can call myself a Master because of the Degree. Let’s see that again:
It’s just so pretty.
Anywho, I hope I get a thank you in the Tony Acceptance speech. I’ll be at home, working my way through a 6 pack with a lampshade on my head.
wondering how much your liver will go for on the black market
madd hungry
Whatever the reason, you decide to read on further:
Will you look at that, there are qualifications that you almost-kinda meet! That’s great!
It’s almostclose to exactly what you went to school for!
Benefits and salary and junk! YES!
You can buy comics food with the moneys!
Sign me up!
But how?
You read on and see
Please send in your contact information, references, salary requirements, resume and
Oh.
Oh garbage.
They require a cover letter. That’s inconvenient annoying COMPLETELY understandable! Packing your entire resume and personality into three paragraphs is something that will be incredibly helpful for this company to judge you off of to get to know you and your qualifications from!
Never written one? No Fret! This handy guide will help you write a KILLER COVER LETTER!
What you’ll need:
Google
A thesaurus
Vodka or some other form of hard liquor
Step 1 – You gonna Google the crap outta that company
You’ve vaguely heard of the Blah Blah Company when you were playing a drinking game and watching NY1 at 3AM, but you’re not completely sure what they do. Well, TGFG!
Mr. Google not only wants to help, it’s his JOB to do so! So don’t feel like you’re being a nuisance or a problem or gonna get yelled at, just plug that sucker’s name into the search engine and you’re golden!
The magical Google machine will give you lots of information about the company, including their personal website where you can find out things like people’s names. THEN you can take those people’s names and plug them into your FACEBOOK MACHINE and see if you have any mutual friends that owe you a favor and can put a good word in for you. And if that doesn’t work you are way advanced at this, then you can even figure out how to find some inappropriate picture to blackmail them with. Like this one:
That is not me.
Step 2 – LIE!
Now that you’ve gathered together all of that useless information, it’s time to cram it all into your awesome letter! Of course you want to sell Blah Blahs, they are only the greatest thing ever and you will work your darndest to move the Blah Blah empire forward.
Here’s where the thesaurus comes in.
Your main goal in this whooooole game process is to let the company know that you think they are the greatest thing since the Youtubes, and that you will amputate your knee if you miss the opportunity to work with them. Unfortunately, you had never even heard of Blah Blahs before this moment, so your general vocab about them might be limited and you might have to tell a few white lies and use some fancy wording.
Never write sentences like that.
There are only so many times you can use the word awesome growth in a cover letter. Companies generally don’t like awesome words that are repeated.
Don’t be afraid of the thesaurus. Mine is a lady and she, like the Google, is here to help. She looks like this:
Dolores The-Saurus
She sure is a sweet lady.
She will tell you that you will not only be an asset to the company, but a benefit, hard worker, diligent human being and not only help but aid, assist, lend a hand and facilitate their growth, moving forward, spreading their wings, flying, etc.
See, the Blah Blahs are already writing themselves!
Step 3 – Celebrating
You have finished abusing the thesaurus.
You have signed it Sincerely comma and your name.
You look like this:
Here’s a drinking game for you to recover:
Every time you used a period in your cover letter, take a shot.
Every time you used a capital letter, take a shot.
And every time you used a word with a vowel, dance with a lampshade on your head.
Do your research. PLEASE
